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Category: The Onion

Florida Bill To Ban First Cousin Marriage Fails To Pass
The Onion

Florida Bill To Ban First Cousin Marriage Fails To Pass

FinnMarch 25, 2026

       A bill to ban marriage between first cousins failed to pass in the Florida Senate, allowing the state to…

Economists Warn That Even Their Friend’s Son Who Went To Business School Can’t Find A Job
The Onion

Economists Warn That Even Their Friend’s Son Who Went To Business School Can’t Find A Job

FinnMarch 25, 2026

       NEW YORK—Raising the alarm about an increasingly unstable labor market, economists at Columbia University warned in a report published…

Robert Mueller Dead At 81
The Onion

Robert Mueller Dead At 81

FinnMarch 24, 2026

       Former FBI director Robert Mueller, who served as special counsel in the probe of President Trump and Russian interference…

ICE Agents Swab Passengers’ Hands To Test For Immigrant Residue
The Onion

ICE Agents Swab Passengers’ Hands To Test For Immigrant Residue

FinnMarch 24, 2026

       The post ICE Agents Swab Passengers’ Hands To Test For Immigrant Residue appeared first on The Onion.    The post…

Cameraman Sitting Under Basket Spread-Eagle
The Onion

Cameraman Sitting Under Basket Spread-Eagle

FinnMarch 24, 2026

       The post Cameraman Sitting Under Basket Spread-Eagle appeared first on The Onion.    The post Cameraman Sitting Under Basket Spread-Eagle…

Chappell Roan Makes Amends By Kidnapping 11-Year-Old Fan
The Onion

Chappell Roan Makes Amends By Kidnapping 11-Year-Old Fan

FinnMarch 23, 2026

       SÃO PAULO—In an effort to rectify the misunderstanding between the young girl, the girls’ parents, and herself, pop star…

Chick-Fil-A Announces Two Halves Of Buns Must Be Married Before Becoming Sandwich 
The Onion

Chick-Fil-A Announces Two Halves Of Buns Must Be Married Before Becoming Sandwich 

FinnMarch 23, 2026

       ATLANTA—Hoping to provide clarity to consumers about their company’s food production standards, Chick-fil-A officials announced Monday that the two…

Political Profile: Markwayne Mullin
The Onion

Political Profile: Markwayne Mullin

FinnMarch 23, 2026

       Markwayne Mullin has been nominated to succeed Kristi Noem as the secretary of homeland security. The Onion shares everything…

Trump Wakes From Beautiful Dream Kissing Underage Girl To Find Face Being Licked By St. Bernard
The Onion

Trump Wakes From Beautiful Dream Kissing Underage Girl To Find Face Being Licked By St. Bernard

FinnMarch 23, 2026

       WASHINGTON—Opening his eyes after nodding off for several minutes at his desk in the Oval Office, President Donald Trump…

Florida Hospital Sues To Evict Patient Discharged 5 Months Ago
The Onion

Florida Hospital Sues To Evict Patient Discharged 5 Months Ago

FinnMarch 20, 2026

       Tallahassee Memorial Healthcare sued a patient who refused to depart her room after being discharged last October, claiming she…

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