Doctor Warns Of Damaging Effects Child Obesity Having On Mall Santas
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Category: The Onion
God Locks Heavenly Gates After Spotting Mormon Missionaries Milling Around Outside
Read MoreThe OnionTHE HEAVENS—Groaning to Himself as the professionally dressed evangelists rounded the corner, the Lord God Almighty reportedly locked…
FEMA Administrator Resigns After Accidentally Playing Porn On Emergency Alert System
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Apologizing for the terrifying series of events that left shocked, confused, and disgusted citizens screaming, crying, and searching…
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
Read MoreThe OnionMADISON, WI—In the hours following a violent rampage in Wisconsin in which a lone attacker killed at least…
Bloated Man Recalls Halcyon Days Of 7 Oreos Ago
Read MoreThe OnionLEXINGTON, KY—Clutching his stomach and describing his nostalgia for an era now passed, 36-year-old man Steven Dewey sat…
What To Know About ‘Mufasa: The Lion King’
Read MoreThe OnionMufasa: The Lion King, the prequel to the 2019 photorealistic remake of The Lion King, arrives in theaters…
Justin Bieber Forgets Wife’s Name
Read MoreThe OnionLOS ANGELES—Staring blankly at the 27-year-old woman sitting across from him, musical artist Justin Bieber told reporters Thursday…
Biden Commutes 1,500 Prison Sentences
Read MoreThe OnionPresident Joe Biden commuted the sentences of roughly 1,500 people who were released from prison and placed on…
A Message Of Hope From Global Tetrahedron
Read MoreThe OnionWe have taken another proud, collective stride toward dystopia. A bankruptcy court has denied the sale of InfoWars…
Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour By The Numbers
Read MoreThe OnionAfter nearly two years, Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour has at last concluded, grossing over $2 billion in ticket…