Downer and Blitzin’
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Category: The Onion
Ragú Unveils Sensory Deprivation Marinara Tank
SCHAUMBURG, IL—Claiming the new offering would revolutionize the use of pasta sauce in stress reduction and pain relief, Ragú…
Cackling Referee Declares Penalty For Pass Interference Shall Be 10,000 Years Of Winter
PITTSBURGH—Raising his hands before him as his eyes turned ominously white, the referee of the Steelers–Dolphins game was heard…
FBI Designates Brown University Shooting A Cold Case
The post FBI Designates Brown University Shooting A Cold Case appeared first on The Onion. The post FBI Designates…
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
PROVIDENCE, RI—In the hours following a violent rampage in Rhode Island in which a lone attacker killed at least…
In-N-Out Removes ‘67’ From Ordering System
In-N-Out Burger quietly removed “67” from its order call-out system nationwide, apparently to deter youths from erupting into cheers…
Merriam-Webster Accused Of Bias After ‘Dictionary’ Named Word Of The Year
SPRINGFIELD, MA—Facing intense backlash and scrutiny from critics who say the reference book publisher had failed to take all…
New Eras Tour Docuseries Offers Rare Look At Taylor Swift
BURBANK, CA—Drawing back the curtain on the reclusive and mysterious life of the multiplatinum recording artist, Disney+ premiered a…
Newly Unsealed Batch Of Epstein Estate Photos Contains Rare Holographic Dershowitz
The post Newly Unsealed Batch Of Epstein Estate Photos Contains Rare Holographic Dershowitz appeared first on The Onion. The…
This Your Best One Yet, Report Nation’s Sycophants
WASHINGTON—As they nodded their heads in approval and echoed the sentiment that “you really knocked it out of the…