CHICAGO—His heart racing with terror as he found himself completely surrounded, an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent conducting a raid on a Chicago elementary school reportedly fell into panic Monday when he realized there were more children on the playground than he could subdue with flash-bang grenades. “Oh God, send for backup—there’s, like, 30 under 6!” the embattled agent said as he tossed one of his last remaining stun grenades at a group of girls playing hopscotch and emptied his pepper-ball rifle into a crowd of kindergartners. “I’ve zip-tied a few, but they just keep coming! There’s so many of them, and their crying is really loud! Some of them have Hula-Hoops and jump ropes—my baton is no match for them. If I don’t make it out alive, tell my ex-wife I love her.” At press time, the desperate ICE agent was seen lowering his head in silent prayer as he called in an airstrike on his location.
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CHICAGO—His heart racing with terror as he found himself completely surrounded, an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent conducting a raid on a Chicago elementary school reportedly fell into panic Monday when he realized there were more children on the playground than he could subdue with flash-bang grenades. “Oh God, send for backup—there’s, like, 30 under
The post ICE Agent Panics After Realizing There More Children Than He Has Flash-Bangs appeared first on The Onion. The OnionRead More
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
