Sleep Experts Suggest Cutting Back On God’s Light Before Bed
Read MoreThe OnionITHACA, NY—In an effort to help Americans get a better night’s rest, sleep experts from Cornell University issued…
Category: The Onion
Anderson Cooper Undergoes Cosmetic Surgery To Look Even More Concerned
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Anderson Cooper Undergoes Cosmetic Surgery To Look Even More Concerned appeared first on The Onion. FinnFinn…
Misfortune Cookie
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Misfortune Cookie appeared first on The Onion. FinnFinn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of…
Woman Reminds Self Not To Catastrophize After Spotting 4 Skeletal Horsemen On Horizon
Read MoreThe OnionLOWELL, MA—Doing her best to follow her therapist’s advice for dealing with stressful situations, area woman Holly Debling…
FBI Claims Gavel, Black Gowns Prove Ties To MS-13 Gang
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Explaining that such items constituted a veritable uniform for the notorious criminal organization, FBI director Kash Patel claimed…
ICE Agents Wait At Edge Of Delivery Table To Deport Newborn
Read MoreThe OnionThe post ICE Agents Wait At Edge Of Delivery Table To Deport Newborn appeared first on The Onion. …
Trump Threatens To Defund Beauty Schools That Don’t Comply With MAGA Standards
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—After dispatching “Dear Colleague” letters to top cosmetology programs across the country, President Donald Trump threatened Monday to…
‘My Work Doesn’t Define Me,’ Says Man Who Will Spend 90,000 Hours Of Lifetime At Office
Read MoreThe OnionSACRAMENTO, CA—Believing that he was establishing a firm line between who he was as a person and what…
Chipotle Planning First Location In Mexico
Read MoreThe OnionChipotle has announced plans to expand into Mexico, sharing that their first restaurant will open early next year.…
Marco Rubio Announces Overhaul Of ‘Bloated’ State Department
Read MoreThe OnionSecretary of State Marco Rubio has announced plans to make sweeping cuts to the State Department, which he…