‘Advertising Doesn’t Work On Me,’ Says Chosen One Who Will Lead Humanity Out Of Dark Age Of Commercialism
Read MoreThe OnionPORTLAND, OR—Preaching the virtues of breaking free from an oppressive system of mass brainwashing, local man Dan Pearson,…
Category: The Onion
What To Know About ‘Mission: Impossible—The Final Reckoning’
Read MoreThe OnionMission: Impossible—The Final Reckoning, the eighth installment in the series, is expected to be another box-office smash. The…
New FEMA Alert Notifies Public Whenever ‘Twister’ Airing On TNT
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Predicting that the system would save countless Americans from missing an all-time classic, the Federal Emergency Management Agency…
Elon Musk Announces Plans To Step Back From Fatherhood
Read MoreThe OnionAUSTIN, TX—Proclaiming that he had “done enough,” billionaire Elon Musk confirmed Thursday that he would be taking a…
Faithful Dog Refuses To Move From Spot Where He Killed Beloved Owner
Read MoreThe OnionMINNEAPOLIS—Moved by the animal’s unwavering devotion, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 4-year-old cocker spaniel Biscuit refused to move…
Relationship Experts Recommend Saying ‘I Love You’ Even If You Don’t Mean It
Read MoreThe OnionORLANDO, FL—Emphasizing that it’s just words, after all, a team of relationship experts issued a recommendation Thursday that…
Features Of Meta’s New AI App
Read MoreThe OnionIn an effort to compete with the popularity of ChatGPT, Meta has launched its very own standalone AI…
Scientists Studying Man Who Let Snakes Bite Him Over 200 Times
Read MoreThe OnionA Wisconsin man has voluntarily been bitten by snakes hundreds of times, with scientists now studying his blood…
Michael Strahan Surpasses Diane Sawyer As Good Morning America’s All-Time Sack Leader
Read MoreThe OnionNEW YORK—After months of closing in on the former news anchor’s legendary record, Michael Strahan surpassed Diane Sawyer on…
Cannes Bans Nudity On Red Carpet
Read MoreThe OnionCannes Film Festival issued an updated red carpet dress code that effectively bans full nudity and “voluminous” ensembles,…