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U.S. Oil Giants Weigh Whether to Take a Venezuelan Oil Bath
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

U.S. Oil Giants Weigh Whether to Take a Venezuelan Oil Bath

Big ElephantJanuary 7, 2026January 7, 2026

The Great Venezuelan Socialist Oil Heist: How America’s Energy Traitors Are Lining Up to Fund Maduro’s Next Luxury Yacht Well,…

Business Acquisition Lunch & Learn: Where Sandwiches Are Served and Companies Are Devoured
Live

Business Acquisition Lunch & Learn: Where Sandwiches Are Served and Companies Are Devoured

Chuck B. BallsyJanuary 7, 2026

🥸 Tired of your 9-5 soul-crushing gig? Good news! You too can drown in debt and existential dread by buying…

Matt Damon and Ben Affleck Reunite to Prove They Still Know How to Pretend To Be Tough Guys
Breaking, Movie News

Matt Damon and Ben Affleck Reunite to Prove They Still Know How to Pretend To Be Tough Guys

FinnJanuary 5, 2026January 5, 2026

🚨 BREAKING: Ben Affleck and Matt Damon Have Finally Reunited to Solve the World’s Most Pressing Mystery — Where Did…

Monsters are Coming! Rock & Road Deserves Space in Your Steam Library
Breaking, Games News

Monsters are Coming! Rock & Road Deserves Space in Your Steam Library

Pixel P. SnarkbyteJanuary 4, 2026January 4, 2026

Move Over, Grandma—The Real Survivors Are Here! Monsters Are Coming! Rock & Road Is the Only Game That Lets You…

SYSTEM OF A DOWN’s DARON MALAKIAN: How I Accidentally Became METALLICA’s Backup Guitarist for Two Nights in 2000
Breaking, Music News

SYSTEM OF A DOWN’s DARON MALAKIAN: How I Accidentally Became METALLICA’s Backup Guitarist for Two Nights in 2000

Chord F. DiscordJanuary 4, 2026January 4, 2026

When a 22-Year-Old in Lakers Sweats Accidentally Became Metal God for a Night: The Daron Malakian Origin Story 🤘😂 Once…

Ravens vs Steelers AFC North Championship HipHop Watch Party Trolling NOLA SEAFOOD
Live

Ravens vs Steelers AFC North Championship HipHop Watch Party Trolling NOLA SEAFOOD

Chuck B. BallsyJanuary 4, 2026

Eventbrite just canceled the Ravens vs. Steelers watch party—because apparently, football fans can’t handle both cheese fries and hope 🤷‍♂️…

The Midnight Circus at The Trade Hotel is where Gatsby MKE will make you feel like a confused clown on NYE
Live

The Midnight Circus at The Trade Hotel is where Gatsby MKE will make you feel like a confused clown on NYE

Chuck B. BallsyDecember 31, 2025

Ring in 2026 in Grand Style!Step right up and prepare to be dazzled; this New Year’s Eve, Gatsby MKE presents…

Oil tanker on the run gets a makeover and suddenly discovers its inner Russian soul, much to Uncle Sam’s confusion
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Oil tanker on the run gets a makeover and suddenly discovers its inner Russian soul, much to Uncle Sam’s confusion

Big ElephantDecember 31, 2025December 31, 2025

Good Lord, Democrats and Their Iranian Oil-Smuggling Friends Just Got Caught Red-Handed Painting a Russian Flag on a Rust Bucket…

Stardew Valley Just Gave You a Free Nintendo Switch 2 Upgrade—Congratulations, Now Don’t Touch It
Breaking, Games News

Stardew Valley Just Gave You a Free Nintendo Switch 2 Upgrade—Congratulations, Now Don’t Touch It

Pixel P. SnarkbyteDecember 31, 2025December 31, 2025

🚨 BREAKING: Stardew Valley’s Free Switch 2 Upgrade Turns Into Digital Black Hole for Players’ Items 🚨 So, picture this:…

SKINDRED’s BENJI WEBBE: ‘I Pump Iron So Hard My Brain Finally Shows Up To Work’
Breaking, Music News

SKINDRED’s BENJI WEBBE: ‘I Pump Iron So Hard My Brain Finally Shows Up To Work’

Chord F. DiscordDecember 30, 2025December 30, 2025

Benji Webbe Just Invented Motivation, And It’s Called ‘You Got This’ (Also, He Goes To The Gym A Lot) In…

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Finn October 8, 2024
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Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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