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Pentagon Spends $125 Million to Prove They’re Still in the Business of Killing People
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Pentagon Spends $125 Million to Prove They’re Still in the Business of Killing People

Big ElephantJanuary 15, 2026January 15, 2026

CNN is crying crocodile tears over President Trump’s brilliant rebranding of the Pentagon to the Department of War, claiming it…

Animal Crossing: New Horizons Players Hacked Their Switches to Skip the Line for the 3.0 Update Starting Today
Breaking, Games News

Animal Crossing: New Horizons Players Hacked Their Switches to Skip the Line for the 3.0 Update Starting Today

Pixel P. SnarkbyteJanuary 14, 2026January 14, 2026

Strap in, you glorified digital hermits, because your overlords at Nintendo have decided to grace your Switch with the 3.0…

Helldivers 2: The Redacted Regiment Declares War on PTSD, One C4 Brick at a Time
Breaking, Games News

Helldivers 2: The Redacted Regiment Declares War on PTSD, One C4 Brick at a Time

Pixel P. SnarkbyteJanuary 13, 2026January 13, 2026

🚨 ATTENTION, CITIZENS OF SUPER EARTH! 🚨 Put down that Libert-Tea and listen up! The Ministry of Truth (and Explosions)…

FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH Announces Massive 2026 North American Leg Of 20th-Anniversary Tour
Breaking, Events, Music News

FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH Announces Massive 2026 North American Leg Of 20th-Anniversary Tour

Chord F. DiscordJanuary 13, 2026January 13, 2026

Brace your eardrums and your wallets, because the undisputed titans of “Did we just write another radio rock banger about…

Financial Glow-Up: Because Getting Rich Slowly is Apparently a Workshop Now
Events

Financial Glow-Up: Because Getting Rich Slowly is Apparently a Workshop Now

Chuck B. BallsyJanuary 12, 2026

🚨 FREE LIVE WORKSHOP ALERT 🚨 Discover how to invest and build your wealth like a pro (or at least…

Trump considers sending in the cavalry to teach Iran a lesson in geopolitics
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Trump considers sending in the cavalry to teach Iran a lesson in geopolitics

Big ElephantJanuary 12, 2026January 12, 2026

Trump Mulls Nuking Iran Over Protests – Because That’s How Freedom Works In a stunning turn of events that absolutely…

Trump officials spot fraud in their morning coffee, everywhere they look—here’s the wild truth
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

Trump officials spot fraud in their morning coffee, everywhere they look—here’s the wild truth

Big ElephantJanuary 12, 2026January 12, 2026

Trump Admin Declares War on Government Waste After TikTok Star Exposes Massive Fraud in Minnesota Daycare Scandal In what can…

How AI Can Save Small Businesses Time and Money (Or Just Give Them More Time to Scroll TikTok)
Events

How AI Can Save Small Businesses Time and Money (Or Just Give Them More Time to Scroll TikTok)

Chuck B. BallsyJanuary 11, 2026

🚨BREAKING: NJ Business Action Center Hosts AI Webinar to Teach Small Biz Owners How to Not Get Replaced by Robots…

‘The Greatest Gift of My Life’: Ethan Hawke on Watching Daughter Maya Realize She Can Finally Outshine Me on ‘Stranger Things’
Breaking, Elephant Reads CNN

‘The Greatest Gift of My Life’: Ethan Hawke on Watching Daughter Maya Realize She Can Finally Outshine Me on ‘Stranger Things’

Big ElephantJanuary 9, 2026January 9, 2026

‘The Greatest Gift of My Life’: Ethan Hawke Gushes Over Daughter’s Role in ‘Stranger Things’ as Hollywood Pushes Yet Another…

How to Keep Your Brain from Turning into a Moldy Avocado
Events

How to Keep Your Brain from Turning into a Moldy Avocado

Chuck B. BallsyJanuary 9, 2026

🚨 BRAIN GAMES & WELLNESS WOOS: A One-Hour Miracle to Fix Your Life (Or At Least Sound Smart at Brunch)…

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Latest posts

  • GenAI is Coming to Ruin Your Compliance Program and Make You Attend More Meetings for FREE CEU’s
  • Get Ready for the Most Epic Rave of Your Life Because The Chosen Few Djs are Taking Over Navy Pier and Its Actually Free
  • Nicole Lehmann ist offensichtlich total besessen von KI
  • Megan Follows Totally Not an Impersonator Speaking at LM Montgomery Institute on June 27 2026
  • WARRANT’s ERIK TURNER Totally Not Embarrassed That ‘Cherry Pie’ Is Now Associated with Horny College Kids Instead of Just Horny Old People

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Introducing Jackal.Today: The Advertising Empire You’ve Always Dreamed Of!

Finn October 8, 2024
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Editorial 2026 main
Breaking, Editorial

Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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