Hollywood is drowning in drama as Doug Liman’s upcoming deep-sea horror flick Deeper hits a wall made of testosterone and aviation fuel 💥🚁. The film — centered around a disgraced astronaut exploring a newly discovered ocean trench — has lost momentum because its potential star, Tom Cruise, isn’t impressed by the lack of high-octane stunts.
«Guys, I’ve hung off planes at 5,000 feet, scaled the Burj Khalifa, BASE jumped from motorcycles, and flown real fighter jets — and now you want me to sit in a submarine? Where the hell’s the helicopter?!» Cruise allegedly told director Doug Liman.
Apparently, if Cruise isn’t dodging missiles while doing backflips over sea monsters, it’s just not cinema.
It’s unclear how exactly he plans to bring a Ducati into the Mariana Trench, but concept art shown to producers reportedly features Cruise underwater on a bike with dual harpoon launchers, being chased by a glowing squid, while a Black Hawk helicopter looms above. James Cameron is somewhere crying in IMAX.
💰 $2 Billion or Nothing: Cruise’s Message to Warner Bros
Cruise has also made it very clear: the budget for Deeper better be $2 billion — or they can go deeper somewhere else. Warner Bros initially offered a modest (by Cruise standards) $230 million, which Cruise called “lunch money for TikTok influencers.”
Sources close to the actor say he told executives:
«Get a loan. Sell Batman’s cape. Ask Netflix. Because I don’t work with brokies.»
One WB producer reportedly took a Xanax mid-Zoom call as Cruise screamed, “You’re not dreaming big enough!”
Meanwhile, studio accountants have gone radio silent, possibly from laughter — or cardiac arrest.
🦑 The Only Monster Cruise Fears Is a Low-Concept Script
Deeper was pitched as a psychological thriller with existential dread and underwater tension. Cruise allegedly said the only tension he’s interested in is «the kind where my parachute might not open.»
Insiders say Cruise demanded that the film’s mysterious ancient force be redesigned to resemble a mutant shark — one he can punch in the face during a freefall. He even wrote his own line:
«Wrong trench, bitch!»
Mental health professionals remain split: some say Cruise is a fearless creative genius. Others believe he’s reached “God Mode” and now views gravity as optional.
🧠 From Deep Sea to Deep Delusion: What’s Next for Cruise?
Should Warner Bros. decline his demands, Cruise has allegedly approached Amazon Prime with a backup plan: a version of Deeper shot on the actual Moon, with real alien actors. Netflix offered him a solo version where he plays every role — even the underwater beast — using only his muscles and deepfake teeth.
Online reaction has split the fanbase into two loud camps:
- 🏍️ Cruisians: “Give him the 2 billion! He’s the last real movie star! Marvel is for toddlers!”
- 🌊 Deepthinkers: “The film is about the ocean, not Tom Cruise’s fragile ego.”
Meanwhile, environmental activists from Save the Octopus are concerned the ocean ecosystem may not survive Cruise’s entrance — either physically or energetically.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
