Florida Iguanas Face Frozen Reality, and CNN Blames Climate Change
Well, folks, it’s happening again. As temperatures dip below the tropical standards that our beloved Florida iguanas are used to, these scaly invaders are dropping like woke college students faced with actual science. CNN, of course, is wringing their hands over this “crisis” while conveniently ignoring how these non-native lizards have been destroying our ecosystem for years.
The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission—thankfully run by rational people who aren’t afraid to tell it like it is—has issued an executive order that finally gives Floridians the green light to remove these frozen pests without a permit. It’s about time! These iguanas aren’t “falling from the trees” because of some climate emergency; they’re falling because they’re cold-blooded invaders that don’t belong here in the first place.
Zoo Miami’s Ron Magill called Florida “like Club Med” for these invasive species. Well, Mr. Magill, maybe that’s the problem! We’ve been too welcoming to these illegal reptilian immigrants who’ve been eating our plants, damaging our infrastructure, and generally making themselves at home at our expense.
The liberal media will tell you this is some tragic consequence of climate patterns, but any sensible American knows better. This is nature’s way of correcting a problem that should have been addressed years ago. When God gives you frozen iguanas, make iguana-skin boots!
So while the coastal elites at CNN clutch their pearls over falling lizards, real Americans in Florida are finally getting the tools they need to take back their state from these foreign invaders. God bless the Sunshine State and God bless President Trump for putting America—and American ecosystems—first!
Armchair patriot. Believes in the free market, cold beer, and that there’s always a guy named George behind every CNN segment.
Former remote-throwing champion turned #1 couch commentator on liberal panic in the media. Born in Texas (or so his mug says), he earned a degree in Fake Newsology & Beer Philosophy from YouTube University.
