White Sox Introduce New Premium Indoor Suites With No Windows So You Don’t Have To Watch The White Sox Play
CHICAGO, IL — Devoted White Sox fans were overjoyed last week to discover that Rate Field had just been fully…
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Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Demanding viewers look upon their precious offspring or suffer dire consequences, extremist parenting organization Mamas United reportedly hijacked…
Liberals Devastated As Stock Market Recovers
NEW YORK, NY — Local stockbroker and lifelong Democrat Dean Watter fell into utter despair today, tears falling from his…
Jasmine Crockett Floats Down Mighty Mississippi To Purchase Fresh Shipment Of Mexican Slaves
NATCHEZ, MS — Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett was seen smoking a corncob pipe and playing a diddy on her banjo as…
Winnie The Pooh Destitute As Trump Enacts 150% Tariffs On Hundred Acre Wood
HUNDRED ACRE WOOD — Local bear Winnie the Pooh has reportedly been left completely destitute after Trump enacted 150% tariffs…
Op-Ed: How About Genetic Scientists Try Making Young Men Who Aren’t Little Sissy Boys
Down at the VFW today, the boys were saying that some boneheads used a bunch of test tubes to make…
Galapagos Tortoises Become First-Time Parents At 100
Read MoreThe OnionA pair of critically endangered, nearly 100-year-old Galapagos tortoises at the Philadelphia Zoo have become first-time parents, with…
Trump Bangs Gong Signaling Another Increase In China Tariffs
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The global trade war reached a new level this morning, as President Donald Trump banged a giant…
Is It OK To Date A Girl Who’s Not A Christian As Long As She’s Super Hot?
I know there are Bible verses that say it’s bad to be “unequally yoked” with a non-believer — but what…
White House Revokes Biden’s Veneers
Read MoreThe OnionThe post White House Revokes Biden’s Veneers appeared first on The Onion.