Cardinals Weirded Out By How Religious Brush With Death Made Pope
Read MoreThe OnionVATICAN CITY—Saying the pontiff’s abrupt change in personality had put them all on edge, cardinals of the Roman…
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Manufacturer Recalls Faulty Shopping Carts With 4 Functioning Wheels
U.S. — Kart Rite Manufacturing (KRM) issued a nationwide recall this week following the discovery of a grocery store shopping…
Hollywood Calls It Quits After Realizing It Will Never Top ‘Smokey And The Bandit’
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Movie production has officially ceased, ending the dreams of aspiring actors and screenwriters everywhere, as all Hollywood…
‘We Got Her’: British Police Arrest Dangerous 80 Year Old Who Spread Butter Using A Knife
LONDON — British authorities took one of the U.K.’s most dangerous individuals off the streets, with police announcing the arrest…
🎸 “Up From The Bottom” by Linkin Park: How the New Song Exploded in Adult Stores! 🔥
In the world of music, something incredible has happened — Linkin Park’s new song “Up From The Bottom” has become…
Snake Getting Twirled Around Like Lasso Never Gonna Live This Down
Read MoreThe OnionSARTELL, MN—Feeling a deep sense of embarrassment wash over his long, scaly body, a local snake getting twirled…
9 Dangerous Weapons Being Confiscated By British Police
The British Constable is on the prowl, and he is rounding up dangerous weapons by the minute to keep England…
Political Neutrality Of PBS Questioned After New Footage Of Elmo Keying Cybertruck
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hearings on Capitol Hill took a dramatic turn today, with PBS’s bipartisanship being questioned due to newly…
Cardinals Begin Placing Stickers On Vatican Relics They Want When Pope Francis Dies
Read MoreThe OnionVATICAN CITY—With many remarking that they’d had their eyes on the holy artifacts since they first saw them,…
‘Snow White’ Early Favorite To Dominate Oscars
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Disney’s latest offering, Snow White, is already garnering Oscar buzz after performing terribly at the box office…