Trump Unable To Focus In Meeting As Pressure Of Booking Kennedy Center Summer Jazz Series Looms
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Amid efforts to prove himself as an effective chair of the performing arts organization, President Donald Trump was…
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Paternity Test Reveals Luke Skywalker’s Father Actually Elon Musk
CORELLIA — Shockwaves were felt across the galaxy this week that experts predicted would be felt as far as the…
Dad Spends Daughter’s Wedding Day Thinking About History Of Oil
Read MoreThe OnionMOUNT CLEMENS, MI—With guests congratulating him and his family as his mind drifted back from the very beginnings…
🛒Amazon Takes Full Control of 007: James Bond Gears Up for the Battle of Likes and Discounts🎬
Recently, it was revealed that Amazon MGM Studios signed a historic deal with Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson, heirs…
Finally: State Department Officially Classifies Los Angeles Dodgers As Terrorist Organization
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a long-awaited move that signaled a turning point in the war against evil and lawlessness, the…
Trump Boys Get Tongues Stuck To Frozen White House
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Flailing their arms and crying out in anguish, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly panicking Thursday…
Nineveh Promises To Repent As Soon As This Prophet Who Smells Like Whale Barf Leaves Town
NINEVEH — After a surprise visit from an Israelite prophet who inexplicably reeks of whale vomit, local residents have agreed…
Object Left On Stairs Begins Weeks-Long Migration To Bedroom
EDINA, MN — In one of the most beautiful natural phenomena known to mankind, some objects left on the stairs…
Facebook Memories Remind Man Of His Embarrassing Libertarian Phase
PLANO, TX — It was a rough day for Jaxon Creed when he decided to login to Facebook and was…
Trump Signs Executive Order Mandating Second Breakfast
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The new administration continued to usher in a modern golden age for America, as President Donald Trump…