Every Movement In Man’s Burrito-Eating Technique Informed By Past Burrito Tragedies
Read MoreThe OnionGLENDALE, CA—Rotating the tortilla-wrapped meal to consume the Mexican food in even levels, eyewitnesses reported Thursday that every…
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Joe Biden Given Human Food As Birthday Treat
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—After bending the rules with a celebratory serving in honor of his special day, White House officials confirmed…
NASA: Potential Link Between Extraterrestrials, Giant Metal Claw Picking Up Earth
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Urging the public to remain skeptical until the object could be studied further, NASA officials confirmed during a…
‘I’m Not Mad’: Op-Ed by Wife (Who Is Definitely Mad)
Hey sweetheart… can we talk about something? Read MoreBabylon Bee
Cheer Up, Libs: Here Are 10 Things You Can Still Be Thankful For This Year
It’s a dark time to be a progressive. But it’s the Thanksgiving season, which means it’s time to be thankful…
Police Warn Three Other People Responsible For Laken Riley’s Death Still At Large
U.S. — With Jose Ibarra now convicted of Laken Riley’s murder, police warned that the three others responsible for her…
Before DOGE Cuts Funding, NIH Working Feverishly To Complete Study On The Effects Of Giving Meth To Jetpack-Wearing Hamsters
CAMBRIDGE, MA — A team of high-level researchers expanded its working hours this week to intensify efforts to finish an…
Lot Tells His Salt Pillar Wife She Should Drink More Water
ZOAR — In an attempt to help her find a homeopathic solution to her excessive sodium levels, local patriarch Lot…
🔄 From Bras to Beards: Life of Agony’s Singer Gets Back in the Testosterone Lane! 🎸
The world of rock has seen some strange plot twists, but few compare to the gender flip-flopping saga of Life…
Lucas vs. Kennedy: The $200M Silent Treatment Behind Disney’s Biggest Bombshell 🎤😬
Hold onto your stormtrooper helmets, folks, because the financial fiasco behind Disney’s Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker makes the…