‘The Harvest!’ Shrieks Forgetful Amish Guy
Read MoreThe OnionLANCASTER, PA—Leaping up from his rocking chair as the realization filled him with utter panic, forgetful Amish guy…
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Assassin Luigi Mangione Takes Lead In 2028 Democratic Primary Polls
U.S. — Despite currently being in custody and charged with the murder of a health insurance company CEO, alleged assassin…
Tips For Having More Meaningful Conversations
Read MoreThe OnionWhether you’re spending time with cherished family members or new friends, skipping small talk and diving into deeper…
After Weeks Of Research, Husband Buys Wrong Christmas Gift For Wife
ANN ARBOR, MI — After weeks of intense research and deliberation among colleagues, local husband Felix Mayweather bought the wrong…
Liberals Sadly Wish Each Other ‘Happy Holidays’ For Last Time Before Trump Makes It Punishable By Death
U.S. — Liberals are putting extra effort into their secular holiday plans this year, taking the time to stop and…
🚨 Finally, AAA Games Without Woke Nonsense? Game Awards 2024 Set to Break the Internet!
The countdown is over, gamers! The Game Awards 2024 — that annual spectacle of world premieres, awkward celebrity cameos, and…
Years Of Inbreeding Causes Dog To Birth British Man
Read MoreThe OnionMANASSAS, VA—Producing numerous congenital and physical anomalies that include extreme Anglo-Saxon deformities, years of inbreeding reportedly caused a…
Drones Revealed To Be Iranian After Closer Inspection
NEWARK, NJ — A pressing mystery that had puzzled government officials and the general public alike was solved today, as…
Are You Old? Know The Signs
As one generation gives way to the next, you may find yourself looking in the mirror and wondering, “Hey, am…
«All I Want for Christmas» Is a Fight? Mariah Carey’s Holiday Track Turns Gyms into Boxing Rings 🎅✨
There’s no doubt about it – Mariah Carey’s timeless Christmas anthem, «All I Want for Christmas Is You», has become…