Bill Belichick Agrees To UNC Job On Condition He Can Live In Girlfriend’s Dorm
CHAPEL HILL, NC — The Tar Heels athletic department was on the brink of pulling off a huge coup this…
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Caitlin Clark Explains That White Privilege Feels Weirdly Like Getting Beat Up By Giant Black Lesbians
U.S. — WNBA player Caitlin Clark explained in an interview with TIME that she has been the beneficiary of white…
Emotional Nation Gathers Outside Main Street TV Store To Watch Monster Truck Land On Smaller Truck
Read MoreThe OnionABILENE, KS—Holding their loved ones close in astonishment as they witnessed thehistory-making broadcast, an emotional nation reportedly gathered…
Michael Bay Hired To Direct Megachurch Christmas Service
OVERLAND PARK, KS — This holiday season promised to be more spectacular than any before it for one local megachurch…
Man Struggling To Understand How God Could Let Good Things Happen To Bad People Like Him
SPRINGFIELD, MO — A local man faced a crisis of faith this week, as friends revealed he was struggling to…
Private Catholic School Offers Discount On 8th Child
EAGAN, MN — Admissions staff and teachers at St. Thérèse of Lisieux K-12 Parochial School were delighted to announce that…
Assad Flees Syria After Rebels Capture Damascus
Read MoreThe OnionThe Assad family’s decades-long reign in Syria came to an abrupt end when rebel forces captured Damascus after…
‘We’re Doing Great, Aren’t We Mr. Friskers,’ Mutters Masked Taylor Lorenz Petting Antique Taxidermied Cat
LOS ANGELES, CA — Journalist and pandemic enthusiast Taylor Lorenz quietly stroked her dead stuffed cat this week and reassured…
🔥 «28 Years Later» Shocks Fans: Did Cillian Murphy REALLY Become a Zombie?
The long-awaited trailer for Danny Boyle’s apocalyptic thriller «28 Years Later» has finally dropped, and the Internet is officially losing…
Trump FBI Director Pick Kash Patel Vows To Keep Both Eyes Wide Open For Deep State Conspiracies
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an announcement that has raised eyebrows around the nation, Kash Patel recently promised the American public…