Gunman Takes Huge Swing Ordering Hostages Buffalo Chicken Pizza
Read MoreThe OnionCHATTANOOGA, TN—In the midst of an armed bank robbery that authorities said is still ongoing, an unidentified gunman…
Category: The Onion
Teacher Required To Provide Own Salary
Read MoreThe OnionBALTIMORE—As public schools across the country increasingly face budget shortfalls, educators like Patricia Harper, a fifth-grade teacher in…
Trump Mouths Lyrics To ‘Happy Birthday’ While National Anthem Plays
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Trump Mouths Lyrics To ‘Happy Birthday’ While National Anthem Plays appeared first on The Onion. Finn…
Menendez Brothers Receive Stars On Hollywood Walk Of Fame
Read MoreThe OnionLOS ANGELES—In recognition of their outstanding contributions to the true crime genre, convicted killers Lyle and Erik Menendez…
There’s No Such Thing As A Free Piggyback Ride
Read MoreThe OnionEvery entitled freeloader these days thinks they can get something for nothing. Complimentary this, state-sponsored that, just so…
Amazon Teases Next James Bond Will Face Off Against Threat Of Collective Bargaining
Read MoreThe OnionLOS ANGELES—Teasing several juicy details on the heels of their recent $1 billion purchase of the franchise, Amazon…
ICE Releases Gavin Newsom Beheading Video
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Disseminating grainy footage of the California Democrat meeting his disturbing and bloody end, Immigration and Customs Enforcement released…
Trump Issues Executive Order Reversing All Vasectomies
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Telling reporters that the move would do much to combat low U.S. fertility rates, President Donald Trump issued…
IRS Allows Taxpayers To Deposit Payments Directly Into Elon Musk’s Bank Account
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—As part of ongoing efforts to improve the efficiency with which it collects money for the world’s richest…
Cow Slaughtered For Its Bell
Read MoreThe OnionMEADE, KS—Saying the difficult act was necessary so his family wouldn’t be starved for clangs, local farmer Troy…