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Category: The Onion

The Onion

Experts Recommend Putting Injured Person In Some Sort Of Cylindrical Tank Filled With Fluid

December 19, 2024

    Read MoreThe OnionCHICAGO—Stressing that the procedure offered affected individuals their best chance at recuperation, experts at Northwestern University’s medical school…

The Onion

Bald Man Presses Face To Window As Thick-Haired Family Sits Down To Dinner

December 18, 2024

    Read MoreThe OnionBOSTON—Gazing longingly at the obvious warmth and good cheer within, local bald man Frank Richmond reportedly pressed his face to a window Wednesday as a thick-haired family inside…

The Onion

CEO Motivates Self By Keeping Own Photo On Desk

December 18, 2024

    Read MoreThe Oniony he comes to work every morning, Solarion Enterprises CEO Dan Lipcot told reporters Friday that in order…

ABC Pays $15 Million To Settle Trump Defamation Suit
The Onion

ABC Pays $15 Million To Settle Trump Defamation Suit

December 17, 2024

    Read MoreThe OnionABC News agreed to pay $15 million toward Donald Trump’s presidential library to settle a defamation lawsuit over…

The Onion

Doctor Warns Of Damaging Effects Child Obesity Having On Mall Santas

December 17, 2024

    Read MoreThe OnionThe post Doctor Warns Of Damaging Effects Child Obesity Having On Mall Santas appeared first on The Onion.  

The Onion

God Locks Heavenly Gates After Spotting Mormon Missionaries Milling Around Outside

December 17, 2024

    Read MoreThe OnionTHE HEAVENS—Groaning to Himself as the professionally dressed evangelists rounded the corner, the Lord God Almighty reportedly locked…

The Onion

FEMA Administrator Resigns After Accidentally Playing Porn On Emergency Alert System

December 17, 2024

    Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Apologizing for the terrifying series of events that left shocked, confused, and disgusted citizens screaming, crying, and searching…

The Onion

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

December 16, 2024

    Read MoreThe OnionMADISON, WI—In the hours following a violent rampage in Wisconsin in which a lone attacker killed at least…

The Onion

Bloated Man Recalls Halcyon Days Of 7 Oreos Ago

December 16, 2024

    Read MoreThe OnionLEXINGTON, KY—Clutching his stomach and describing his nostalgia for an era now passed, 36-year-old man Steven Dewey sat…

The Onion

What To Know About ‘Mufasa: The Lion King’

December 16, 2024

    Read MoreThe OnionMufasa: The Lion King, the prequel to the 2019 photorealistic remake of The Lion King, arrives in theaters…

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