CIA Announces It Has Obtained The Briefcase
Read MoreThe OnionThe post CIA Announces It Has Obtained The Briefcase appeared first on The Onion. FinnFinn McFrame, celebrated satirical…
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Numerous Teams Express Interest In Aaron Rodgers Playing Elsewhere
Read MoreThe OnionNEW YORK—Leaping at the opportunity to make their intentions clear, numerous NFL front offices expressed interest this week…
Drunk Man Doesn’t Like The Way Kumon Logo Looking At Him
Read MoreThe OnionCHICAGO—Charging across the street in order to find out “what this motherfucker’s problem is,” local drunk man Garrett…
It Almost Weirder That Grown Man On Roblox Isn’t Grooming Children
Read MoreThe OnionSEATTLE—Voicing concern about the adult’s aberrant behavior, sources confirmed Monday that it was almost weirder that Richard Shea,…
Igloo Recalls Coolers Over Finger Amputation Risk
Read MoreThe OnionIgloo is recalling more than 1 million of its coolers following reports that a handle issue led to…
Joann Fabrics Announces Plans To Make Mishmash Store Out Of Shuttered Locations’ Scraps
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Joann Fabrics Announces Plans To Make Mishmash Store Out Of Shuttered Locations’ Scraps appeared first on…
JD Vance Sets Out Little Heart-Covered Mailbox On Desk Just In Case
Read MoreThe OnionThe post JD Vance Sets Out Little Heart-Covered Mailbox On Desk Just In Case appeared first on The…
Tips For Embracing Single Life
Read MoreThe OnionDespite stereotypes that unpartnered people are lonely or unhappy, being single doesn’t have to be a burden. The…
New Evidence Suggests Humans Developed Written Language To Avoid Breaking Up In Person
Read MoreThe OnionCHICAGO—Noting that early humans’ aversion to confrontation played a critical role in their evolution, a new study published…
Mysterious Tar Balls Washing Up On Florida Beaches
Read MoreThe OnionThe U.S. Coast Guard has been searching for tar balls that began showing up on South Florida beaches,…