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Category: The Onion

Kim Jong-Un Selects Teen Daughter As North Korea’s Next Leader
The Onion

Kim Jong-Un Selects Teen Daughter As North Korea’s Next Leader

FinnFebruary 18, 2026

       South Korea’s spy agency believes North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has chosen his daughter Kim Ju Ae as his…

Coworker Laid Off Solely For Performance-Related Reasons Warns AI Coming For Everyone
The Onion

Coworker Laid Off Solely For Performance-Related Reasons Warns AI Coming For Everyone

FinnFebruary 18, 2026

       SIOUX CITY, IA—Making the dire prediction shortly after being terminated for substandard work, marketing analyst Ryan Bronson, who was…

Gallup To End Presidential Approval Polling After Almost 90 Years
The Onion

Gallup To End Presidential Approval Polling After Almost 90 Years

FinnFebruary 17, 2026

       Gallup will stop tracking presidential job approval ratings after 88 years, saying the decision reflects “an evolution in how…

Trump Asks When He Gets To Kill Olympians Who Lost
The Onion

Trump Asks When He Gets To Kill Olympians Who Lost

FinnFebruary 17, 2026

       WASHINGTON—Declaring that athletes who had disgraced their country with a poor performance needed to be dealt with in the…

RFK Jr.: ‘Time In Hot Cars Helps Babies To Sweat Out Toxins’
The Onion

RFK Jr.: ‘Time In Hot Cars Helps Babies To Sweat Out Toxins’

FinnFebruary 17, 2026

       WASHINGTON—In a new claim challenging traditional pediatric norms regarding infant safety, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy…

Baby Fails To Change New Father In Any Way
The Onion

Baby Fails To Change New Father In Any Way

FinnFebruary 16, 2026

       VERNON HILLS, IL—Lacking the ability to transform her father’s personality to the same extent as his leather couch or…

Finnish Ski Jumping Team Caught Tampering With Earth’s Gravitational Field
The Onion

Finnish Ski Jumping Team Caught Tampering With Earth’s Gravitational Field

FinnFebruary 14, 2026

       PREDAZZO, ITALY—Calling the incident a flagrant violation of both the rules of the event and the fundamental constants of…

FBI Announces They Have Located Savannah Guthrie
The Onion

FBI Announces They Have Located Savannah Guthrie

FinnFebruary 13, 2026

       WASHINGTON—Praising the tireless efforts of the hundreds of agents who worked around the clock on the case, FBI director…

Pitchers And Catchers Report To Spring Training Dance
The Onion

Pitchers And Catchers Report To Spring Training Dance

FinnFebruary 13, 2026

       FORT MYERS, FL—Arriving in their nicest cleats, freshly oiled gloves, and carefully applied eye black in hopes of dazzling…

U.S. Gains Almost No Jobs In 2025
The Onion

U.S. Gains Almost No Jobs In 2025

FinnFebruary 12, 2026

       The U.S. economy experienced almost zero job growth in 2025, with the Bureau of Labor Statistics data indicating that…

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