So, the latestĀ Captain AmericaĀ flick is turning out to be something of aĀ delightfulĀ disaster. Marvel Studios, the self-proclaimed gods of the superhero genre, have somehow managed to squeeze out a movie thatās like that neighbor who never leaves, despite all the polite hints to go away. The filmās third test screening ended in utter failure, prompting Marvel to scramble once again for a set of reshoots. Yes, thatās right: after two rounds of changes to the action scenes, plot, and the addition of new characters āĀ Captain America: Brave New WorldĀ is still somehow the cinematic equivalent of a bag of half-melted popcorn. šæ
The $400 Million Marvel Catastrophe
Marvel Studios had already embarked on their most ambitious (and costly) superhero venture to date with a budget soaring to a jaw-dropping $400 million. To put that in perspective, Deadpool and Wolverine, which boasted big-name stars and explosive action scenes, only cost a cool $200 million combined. Yet, here we are, with Marvelās most expensive project turning into the cinematic equivalent of Ā«Please clapĀ» from Jeb Bush. The first test screenings were like a public execution in slow motion: brutal, awkward, and painful for everyone involved. So, in classic Marvel fashion, they brought in a few tweaks ā three whole action scenes were reshot, and new characters were awkwardly jammed into the script like a last-minute Christmas gift wrapping attempt. Did it work? Well, no. Not in the slightest. In fact, audiences are so disinterested now that the reshoots might as well be done over a Zoom call with 12-year-olds who have seen Captain America: Civil War a million times already. Ā«Havenāt we been here before?Ā» is basically the unspoken mantra of New Worldās audience. š„±
Test Screenings: Nobody Wants to Watch
The latest round of test screenings has revealed just how deep the hole Marvelās dug for themselves is. No one bothered showing up. Those poor souls who had the misfortune of being invited to the screenings had better things to do ā like watching grass grow or doing laundry. Instead of the excited chatter one might expect from a Marvel event, it was more like a massive game of Ā«Who Can Avoid This Disaster the Best?Ā» Apparently, audiences were so disinterested that they reportedly turned down free tickets, citing a sense of Ā«Iāve already seen this movie 18 times, why would I need another? Also, didnāt it all just end in Civil War anyway?Ā» You know youāve really lost the plot when people start turning down free movies. One can almost hear the collective sigh of disappointment echoing through the air. š
Marvel’s New Plan: Pay People to Watch!
It gets better, though. Or, should we say, worse? Marvel has apparently gotten so desperate that they might actuallyĀ payĀ people to attend future screenings. Yes, you heard that correctly ā Marvelās about to make history by becoming the first studio to offer cold, hard cash to get people to sit through the monstrosity that isĀ Captain America: Brave New World. The deal apparently involves a couple of bucks, plus the promise of a soda and popcorn to help drown the pain of the cinematic carnage theyāre about to endure. Who needs critical acclaim when you can lure viewers with the sweet scent of Coke and salty snacks, right? šøšæ As the source quips, Ā«For a quarter of bucks an hour of sitting throughĀ anotherĀ generic superhero movie, sure, Iāll take the cash. At least I can pretend to enjoy the popcorn.Ā» Itās like a twisted form of self-harm for moviegoers, really. Just pay them to sit through the disaster, and letās all pretend itās a win for everyone. š¤”
Director on the Chopping Block?
But wait, the plot thickens ā rumors are swirling that director Julius Vaughn, who was supposed to be the visionary behind this catastrophic saga, might just be shown the door. Vaughnās absence from key Marvel presentations, like D23 and D23 Brazil, has caused many to speculate that heās no longer in the driving seat. Marvel is famously tight-lipped about their internal squabbles (after all, the house that Tony Stark built has plenty of secrets), but the increasing amount of whispers and Vaughnās vanishing act have many wondering if heās been quietly replaced. Is this a case of the Captain America team falling apart, or is it just another Marvel melodrama, with everyone trying to make sense of an increasingly absurd situation? Time will tell, but if Vaughn does get booted, Marvel might need a bigger boat ā of entirely new directors ā because reshoots are looking like an all-you-can-eat buffet at this point. š„
The Countdown to February 14th: Will It Sink or Swim?
As if things couldnāt get worse, the clock is ticking. With only a few months left until New World is scheduled to hit theaters on February 14, 2024 (Valentineās Day, because nothing says romance like a $400 million budget), Marvel is running out of time to save this ship from sinking. I mean, at this point, they should just throw in a cameo from Captain Obvious to explain all the convoluted changes in the plot. Ā«Hey guys, remember when Captain America was the star? Yeah, now thereās 14 other heroes jammed in here, and none of them really make sense. But hey, pay us to watch it, and weāll throw in a free combo meal. Enjoy!Ā» šš¬
We canāt even begin to imagine the corporate fallout from this colossal disaster. But donāt worry, Marvelās got it all under control, right? The Captain America franchise is basically their bread and butter, so if they canāt pull this off ā then what else have they been doing for the past decade? Who knows, maybe the next Avengers movie will just be a massive Zoom call between every superhero theyāve ever had, and everyone will begrudgingly click on it because, well, they paid for it. Until then, letās sit back and watch the trainwreck unfold, with popcorn in hand. šæš¬
The Inevitable Reality Check for Marvel
In conclusion, if you’re planning to seeĀ Captain America: Brave New World, consider doing so with a healthy sense of irony. The film has all the hallmarks of a project that simplyĀ wasnāt meant to be. Whether you want to witness the latest debacle in the Marvel universe or simply cash in on the inevitable disaster, Marvel seems to have forgotten one thing: people donāt go to the theater to watch a movie fail. They go because they want to be entertained. Maybe if they gave viewersĀ something original, instead of another generic superhero slog, things might turn out a little differently. But hey, who needs originality when youāve got $400 million, right?
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true callingāor at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
