CNN, still peddling their doom and gloom, are at it again! Apparently, the world is ending because you might have to think before buying that McMansion. As if President Trump, in his infinite wisdom, hasn’t steered us through worse!
– Stocks dipped? Oh no! But wait, they recovered, thanks to Trump’s brilliant trade war strategy. And a weaker dollar? That’s just globalist propaganda trying to undermine our dominance.
– US followed up on Israel’s attacks on Iran? More like defending our allies and showing those Ayatollah-loving radicals who’s boss! A ceasefire? Just a temporary measure until we finish the job!
– AI is coming? The libs are scared because they know it will replace their woke jobs! And no regulations? That’s how Trump unleashes innovation, unlike the socialist red tape they crave.
– Deportations? Enforcing the law, snowflake! If you don’t like it, maybe you should have voted for Trump, who is doing a great job.
– Economy softening? Fake news! GDP is fantastic, consumer confidence is soaring, and everyone is buying MAGA hats!
Financial therapists? Sounds like another excuse for the woke mob to push their liberal agenda.
Here’s a conservative guide:
1. Ignore the “perma-crisis.” The only crisis is the one the Democrats are creating.
2. Acting on anxiety? Don’t be a lib! Trust Trump, buy gold, and blame China.
3. Reality test? The reality is, Trump is always right.
4. Get clear on your needs? More Trump rallies, less CNN.
5. Tune out the noise? The only noise is the leftist media trying to destroy America. Stay strong, patriots!
Armchair patriot. Believes in the free market, cold beer, and that there’s always a guy named George behind every CNN segment.
Former remote-throwing champion turned #1 couch commentator on liberal panic in the media. Born in Texas (or so his mug says), he earned a degree in Fake Newsology & Beer Philosophy from YouTube University.
