WASHINGTON—Touting his latest executive order as a historic win for the U.S. economy, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was mandating a 5,000% increase in all numbers nationwide. “Effective immediately, 100 will now be 5,100 and—I’m reading off the official statistics from my people—500 will be 25,500,” said Trump, speaking from the Oval Office as he told reporters the move would shift decimals “many places” to the right for wages, stock prices, job numbers, gross domestic product, and other vital economic indicators. “Say your net worth is about $20,000. In that case, you’re now a millionaire. And we don’t have to worry about fertility anymore, because this country now has about 17 billion people. These are really tremendous increases that should have gone into effect years ago.” Trump added that if the executive order was as successful as he expected it to be, he might soon shift to increasing some letters.
The post Trump Announces 5,000% Increase In All Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
WASHINGTON—Touting his latest executive order as a historic win for the U.S. economy, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was mandating a 5,000% increase in all numbers nationwide. “Effective immediately, 100 will now be 5,100 and—I’m reading off the official statistics from my people—500 will be 25,500,” said Trump, speaking from the Oval Office
The post Trump Announces 5,000% Increase In All Numbers appeared first on The Onion. Read More
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
⚖️ ENTER THE LEGALIZER
Think the government has no idea what it's doing? Put your case before the Federal Case Terminal and find out.