SCHAUMBURG, IL—Claiming the new offering would revolutionize the use of pasta sauce in stress reduction and pain relief, Ragú officials unveiled a new sensory deprivation marinara tank at a press event Friday. “This lightproof, soundproof vat filled with our signature vine-ripened, zesty tomato sauce marks the beginning of an exciting new era in tomato-based relaxation,” said Ragú spokesperson Ken Ewing, who explained that a savory blend of herbs and salt specially formulated for maximum therapeutic benefits allowed the body to effortlessly float above the surface of the red sauce inside the isolation pod, promoting a combination of anxiety reduction and hearty, high-quality Mediterranean ingredients. “The detoxifying marinara is slowly simmered to the exact temperature of the user’s body, allowing the mind to drift freely into a meditative gravy state, just like Nonna used to make. The experience is available in both traditional and chunky varieties, including a tactile thermal meat sauce and a highly stimulating arrabiata option—guaranteed to clear your mind of everything except authentic, Old World–style Italian flavor.” Ragú went on to recommend that customers visit the brand’s website, where they posted a bonus recipe for an invigorating gazpacho cold plunge.
The post Ragú Unveils Sensory Deprivation Marinara Tank appeared first on The Onion.
SCHAUMBURG, IL—Claiming the new offering would revolutionize the use of pasta sauce in stress reduction and pain relief, Ragú officials unveiled a new sensory deprivation marinara tank at a press event Friday. “This lightproof, soundproof vat filled with our signature vine-ripened, zesty tomato sauce marks the beginning of an exciting new era in tomato-based relaxation,”
The post Ragú Unveils Sensory Deprivation Marinara Tank appeared first on The Onion. Read More
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
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