AKRON, OH—Using the icon of a sleigh to denote his unmistakable presence near a residence in northeastern Ohio, NORAD’s official tracking app confirmed that Santa Claus paid a visit to his former girlfriend’s house around 3 a.m. Wednesday. “With our state-of-the-art satellite technology, we can see that ol’ St. Nick parked his reindeer on the roof and took a chimney straight down into the living room of a woman he used to know back in his single days,” said chief technologist Tom Chrzanowski, noting that the jolly old elf only visited the home of his old flame Sheila Bickford after first stopping at a local bar where he reportedly gathered his courage by consuming a few double eggnogs. “Children tracking Santa’s whereabouts at home on their iPads will be relieved to know longer visits to this location do not mean another kid is getting more presents than they are. Santa’s last visit to his ex’s house was in March 2006, when our radar detected him sneaking out his window while Mrs. Claus was asleep.” At press time, NORAD’S tracker confirmed Santa’s location for the foreseeable future would be the basement couch of his North Pole residence.
The post Santa Tracker Shows Sleigh Stopped For 40 Minutes Outside Old Girlfriend’s House appeared first on The Onion.
AKRON, OH—Using the icon of a sleigh to denote his unmistakable presence near a residence in northeastern Ohio, NORAD’s official tracking app confirmed that Santa Claus paid a visit to his former girlfriend’s house around 3 a.m. Wednesday. “With our state-of-the-art satellite technology, we can see that ol’ St. Nick parked his reindeer on the roof and
The post Santa Tracker Shows Sleigh Stopped For 40 Minutes Outside Old Girlfriend’s House appeared first on The Onion. Read More
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
