Each January, millions of Americans vow to improve something about themselves, but many struggle with the commitments they make. Here are tips for sticking to your New Year’s resolutions.
Hire a hitman to shoot you in between the eyes if you even so much as look at a cigarette.
Tell your coworkers about your plan so they can inevitably mock you when you fail to live up to your resolution.
If you resolved to give up junk food for a month, petition the U.S. government to make January three days long.
Choose an attainable resolution that you’ve already completed prior to starting.
Be realistic about how many coconuts you can crack open with your head in under 10 minutes.
Remember that if you and the rebel forces don’t succeed, Selassie’s iron grip on Ethiopia may never loosen.
Convince yourself your New Year’s resolution was always to fall into the deep, dark hole of “day in the life of an age-gap couple” vlogs.
Make small, daily progress on your resolution to help ensure that you recoup the cost of Megalopolis to investors by 2026.
If you’re having trouble sticking with a goal as simple as “eat more protein,” we’re not quite sure how we can help you.
The post How To Stick To Your New Year’s Resolutions appeared first on The Onion.
Each January, millions of Americans vow to improve something about themselves, but many struggle with the commitments they make. Here are tips for sticking to your New Year’s resolutions. Hire a hitman to shoot you in between the eyes if you even so much as look at a cigarette. Tell your coworkers about your plan
The post How To Stick To Your New Year’s Resolutions appeared first on The Onion. Read More
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
