Ah, No Man’s Sky, the game that launched with all the promise of a unicorn 🦄 riding a rainbow 🌈, only to deliver a donkey 🐴 in a puddle. But hey, nine years later, they’re still at it! Like a persistent ex, it just keeps coming back with “updates.” The latest? Beacon. Because apparently, we need more reasons to get lost in the endless void.
After a “full rebuild” (because the original was *so* good, right? 😉), Hello Games has graced us with the Beacon update. The name probably comes from the settlement building options, or maybe it’s a beacon to warn you to stay away. ⚠️ And, in a move that will surely make everyone question reality, they’ve included Nintendo Switch 2 functionality. Yes, you read that right. The Switch 2, which exists only in the fevered dreams of Nintendo fans, now has No Man’s Sky. It’s essential for exploring the sky on a console that doesn’t exist. Groundbreaking. 🚀
For those of you who play No Man’s Sky for the “cozy elements” (do those people actually exist? 🤔), you can now build and manage your own settlements. Because what this game *really* needed was more micromanagement. Construct buildings, upgrade them, and feel the crushing weight of virtual responsibility. New building types include dive bars (where you can drown your sorrows), merchants (to build custom starships that will inevitably glitch out), and ponds (for relaxing and contemplating your life choices). 🎣
But wait, there’s more! Hello Games has been “hard at work” optimizing the game for the Nintendo Switch 2. Apparently, they’ve spent a whole year on this. A YEAR! 🤣 Fine-tuned upgrades include better resolution (good luck with that), higher frame rate (maybe hitting a solid 30fps?), high-res texture support (on the Switch 2, which, again, DOESN’T EXIST), and support for touchscreen and cross-saves. All included in the day-one Switch 2 patch. It’s like they’re trolling us at this point. 🤡
Hello Games claims they had a “secret room” with Switch 2 dev-kits. Sure, Jan. They also added Game Chat, so you can scream into the void with your friends. 🗣️ Because that’s exactly what this game needed: more ways to communicate the existential dread it inspires.
No Man’s Sky Beacon update is free, because of course it is. They owe us. And it’s live now, so go ahead and waste your time. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you. 🙄
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
