State Farm Now Offering Optional ‘Car Torched By Psychotic Purple-Haired Weirdo’ Coverage
U.S. — State Farm has begun offering optional extra car insurance coverage for protection against customers’ cars being torched by…
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‘I Don’t Know Why They Call Me Hot Wheels,’ Thinks Governor Abbott While Launching Off G-Force Burnout Set Launcher Ramp
AUSTIN, TX — As he launched through the air off the G-Force Burnout Set Launcher Ramp, Governor Greg Abbott wondered…
😲 Petition Against Jack Black: Is It Time for Him to Retire in Virtual Reality? 🌌
A true scandal has erupted in the world of movies and video games! 🎬🎮 Internet users, tired of Jack Black’s…
Report: Anti-Science Attitude Strongest Among Those Who Believe Turtle Has Little Apartment Inside Shell
Read MoreThe OnionCHICAGO—Highlighting a rising distrust in evidence-based knowledge, a report published Wednesday in the American Journal Of Sociology found…
Jesus Calls On Followers To Eat Filet-O-Fish Sandwiches For 40 Days To Prepare For His Crucifixion
JERUSALEM — Sources close to the Son of God report that Jesus Christ has just called upon his followers to…
Darth Vader Accidentally Adds Admiral Ackbar To Holochat Planning Alderaan Bombing
MUSTAFAR — The Galactic Empire was forced into damage control mode this week after it was revealed that Darth Vader…
❗️🎉🎶 Dropkick Murphys vs. Lady Gaga: Drunken Punk Wrecks Pop Diva’s Boutique, Mistaking It for a MAGA Store 🏴☠️🎤
A night at the bar, a few too many pints, bad eyesight, and a lifelong hatred for Donald Trump merch—this…
Trump Officials Accidentally Text Journalist War Plans
Read MoreThe OnionTop national security officials for President Donald Trump, including his defense secretary, texted war plans for upcoming military…
After Years of Debate, Theologians Now Agree That Lying To Your Dentist About Flossing Is Not A Sin
LOS ANGELES, CA — After years of fierce debate, theologians from all the major branches of Christianity have now come…
Disney Puts Rachel Zegler In The Vault
BURBANK, CA — Following the disastrous box office opening of Disney’s Snow White, actress Rachel Zegler has been stored in…