Track & Field Runner Accidentally Trips, Punches, Attacks Rival With A Sword
LYNCHBURG, VA — This week’s championship 4×200-meter relay event ended in disaster when a runner accidentally, tripped, punched, and attacked…
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Trump Announces New Visa Tier For Immigrants Who Will Be Friends With Barron
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Extending an offer to immigrants hoping to relocate to the United States, President Donald Trump unveiled a new…
Man Leading Bible Study Taken Up Into Heaven After Dropping Greek Word
BLUE SPRINGS, MO — Members of a church small group were witness to a miraculous event this week, as a…
Man Rents Steamroller To Squeeze One Last Usable Amount Of Toothpaste From Tube
SEWARD, NE — A local man set an impressive new standard for frugality this week by renting a professional-grade steamroller…
Feds Uncover Terabytes Of Free Speech During Raid Of Protestor’s Residence
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Following a daring operation that saw authorities seize the man’s property and detain him in an undisclosed location,…
Egg Companies Assure Customers Dozen Has Always Meant 9
Read MoreThe OnionJACKSON, MS—Seeking to assuage consumer concerns about dwindling supplies, the nation’s egg companies reportedly assured shoppers this week that…
🚨Scandal Surrounding GTA 5 Enhanced: Are Real Los Angeles Thugs Visiting Those Who Leave Negative Reviews?💪
The release of GTA 5 Enhanced on March 4th has sparked a whirlwind of emotions among gamers. Out of 19,772…
Checkmate: Trump Hits Canada With Tariff Of Double Infinity Plus One
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Canada is reeling after Trump upped the ante in the trade war by slapping America’s northern neighbor…
Life Hack: Volunteer For Parking Lot Ministry And You’ll Never Have To Hear Another Sermon For The Rest Of Your Days
Check out this sweet life hack, my church brethren! Or… should I say “faith hack?” Yes, it’s true. If you…
Tesla Dealerships Attacked With Molotov Cocktails
Read MoreThe OnionTesla car dealerships across the U.S. have been attacked with guns and Molotov cocktails in recent days over…