Only Good-Looking Person In Office Mingles With Hideous Coworkers Like Missionary Among Lepers
Read MoreThe OnionCHICAGO—Showing a graciousness and magnanimity that the rest of the world has denied these pariahs and rejects, Jordan…
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🎸 Tool: Music on Repeat — The New Concert Format! 🎶
Punta Cana, Dominican Republic — This past weekend, the Tool in the Sand festival turned into a musical Groundhog Day,…
Man Longs For Simpler Time When Games Were 2D And You Could Never Get Past The First Level
RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA — Local middle-aged man Dustin Sidewood was seen gazing out a window thoughtfully, longing for a time…
FDA Recommends 6-11 Servings Of Microplastics Every Day For Growing Children
SILVER SPRING, MD — In an attempt to comply with new policies being implemented by Health and Human Services Secretary…
16 Investments Doing Better Than The Current Stock Market
With the stock market taking it on the chin these days, Americans are wondering if there are other places they…
Local Teen Invents Masturbation
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Local Teen Invents Masturbation appeared first on The Onion.
ISIS Claims Responsibility For Meghan Markle Netflix Show
BAGHDAD – The mystery of who unleashed a dangerous threat upon the world came one step closer to being solved,…
Trump Revokes Top Democrats’ Access To In-N-Out Secret Menu
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Critics raised allegations that the new administration was making moves to take revenge on political enemies, as…
Elon Musk Creates Federal Employee Revenge Porn Database
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Promising to use the U.S. DOGE Service to usher in a new age of government accountability and transparency,…
🧟♂️ Resident Evil 2026: Milla Jovovich as a Zombie — Is This What We’ve Been Waiting for All Our Lives? 🌟
On September 18, 2026, the world 🌍 will witness a new film based on the iconic Resident Evil series, and…