Listerine Leaves 0.1% Of Germs Alive To Spread Message Of Terror Throughout Microbial Community
SUMMIT, NJ—In a surprise attack of astonishing brutality, oral cavity sources confirmed Thursday that the Listerine inside a local…
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Elizabeth Warren Vows New Tax On Puppies
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Arizona Senator Elizabeth Warren called for a dramatic change to the U.S. tax code that would…
California Passes Law Making It A Crime To Report A Crime
SACRAMENTO, CA — In a decisive move toward preventing any citizen journalists from uncovering massive fraud and corruption in…
Trump Makes Figurines Of Himself, Ivanka Kiss In Miniature Ballroom Model
WASHINGTON—Mashing their faces together as he produced loud smooching sounds, President Donald Trump made figurines of himself and his…
ARCHITECTS Singer SAM CARTER Reveals The Most Metal Thing That’s Ever Happened To Him: METALLICA’s JAMES HETFIELD Brought Them A Cake And Didn’t Even Smash It
Breaking news: Sam Carter from ARCHITECTS is basically the coolest guy ever, and we’re all just jealous of his awesome…
SBC Approves Use Of Tasers On Any Visitor Who Tries To Slip Past Greeters
NASHVILLE, TN — The Southern Baptist Convention voted to adopt a new church policy on Wednesday where tasers can…
When your parents ask what kind of music you listen to
Showing death metal to people who listen to Taylor Swift
Enhanced Games Allows Competing Athletes To Use Steroids
The inaugural Enhanced Games, consisting of weightlifting, swimming, and sprinting, were held, which allowed competitors to take performance-enhancing drugs…
Woman Worried She In Codependent Relationship With Rest Of Humanity
BOONE, NC—Noting that the troubling signs of a toxic dynamic had become too numerous to ignore, area woman Kara…
Fake news CNN reports Pam Bondi battling thyroid cancer
It’s 2026, and our great nation is still thriving under the magnificent leadership of President Donald Trump. I mean, who…