Category: The Onion

       WASHINGTON—Occasionally pausing to rub his bleeding temple as he delivered the statement, visibly bruised Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth…

    Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Acknowledging that he was impressed by the foreign leader’s ability to compromise on all kinds of fixtures, President…

    Read MoreThe OnionNEW YORK—Attempting to broach the sensitive subject as delicately as possible, Taylor Swift’s wedding planner reportedly asked the…

    Read MoreThe OnionLOS ANGELES—Declaring that some animals simply “got the goods” and “you know it when you see it,” officials…

    Read MoreThe OnionCHICOPEE, MA—Saying that she couldn’t recall a time of familial peace since the early ’90s, area woman Melissa…

    Read MoreThe OnionAs Immigration and Customs Enforcement seeks to increase its presence across the country, the agency is actively recruiting…

    Read MoreThe OnionKANSAS CITY, MO—Insisting it would help the six-time Pro Bowler recover from the aches and pains of the…

    Read MoreThe OnionYoung Republican leaders sparked bipartisan condemnation over a leaked cache of thousands of racist, antisemitic, and homophobic texts,…

    Read MoreThe OnionSTANFORD, CA—Shedding new light on the rare trait’s origins, researchers at the Stanford School of Medicine announced Friday…