Biologists Announce There Absolutely Nothing We Can Learn From Clams
Read MoreThe OnionWOODS HOLE, MA—Saying they saw no conceivable reason to bother with the bivalve mollusks, biologists at the Woods…
Category: The Onion
Study Finds Voices Should Sound Normal Through Walkie-Talkies By Now
Read MoreThe OnionITHACA, NY—Citing numerous advancements in communication technology over the years, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Cornell…
Political Profile: Russell Vought
Read MoreThe OnionRussell Vought, director of the Office of Management and Budget and a key architect of the ultra-conservative Project…
Impressionable Teen Falls In With Wrong Socioeconomic Class
Read MoreThe OnionLARCHMONT, NY—Noting the 16-year-old had too big of an inheritance ahead of him to throw it all away,…
Aaron Rodgers Suffers Torn Cerebellum After Attempting Telepathic Audible
Read MoreThe OnionPITTSBURGH—In a devastating setback that could sideline the quarterback for weeks, sources confirmed Sunday that Aaron Rodgers suffered…
AI Deepfakes Of Dead Celebrities Spark Outrage
Read MoreThe OnionSaying it desecrates the late entertainers’ legacies, the families of Robin Williams and George Carlin have strongly condemned…
Locust Humiliated Swarm He Organized Only Got 40 Million Attendees
Read MoreThe OnionMEKELE, ETHIOPIA—Expressing utter embarrassment about the long-hyped event, a desert locust in the Ethiopian Highlands was reportedly humiliated…
USDA Deactivates Nation’s Corn During Government Shutdown
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—In response to the freezing of federal funds necessary to keep the essential grain operational for millions of…
Not 200 Yards Away From The Dog Park
Read MoreThe OnionListen, no one’s trying to broadcast private details about your life to the whole world, but you should…
U.S. Military Carries Out Strike On Scuffy The Tugboat
Read MoreThe OnionARLINGTON, VA—Saying the Pentagon had acted swiftly on an insider tip about the vessel having a “big adventure”…