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Category: The Onion

Trump Announces 5,000% Increase In All Numbers
The Onion

Trump Announces 5,000% Increase In All Numbers

FinnDecember 2, 2025

       WASHINGTON—Touting his latest executive order as a historic win for the U.S. economy, President Donald Trump announced Friday that…

Pete Hegseth Wakes Up At 3 P.M. With Dozen Missed Calls From The Hague
The Onion

Pete Hegseth Wakes Up At 3 P.M. With Dozen Missed Calls From The Hague

FinnDecember 1, 2025

       The post Pete Hegseth Wakes Up At 3 P.M. With Dozen Missed Calls From The Hague appeared first on…

Man Proudly Saves $8 On Pubic Hair Trimmer
The Onion

Man Proudly Saves $8 On Pubic Hair Trimmer

FinnDecember 1, 2025

       The post Man Proudly Saves $8 On Pubic Hair Trimmer appeared first on The Onion.    The post Man Proudly…

Heaven Can’t Wait
The Onion

Heaven Can’t Wait

FinnDecember 1, 2025

       The post Heaven Can’t Wait appeared first on The Onion.    The post Heaven Can’t Wait appeared first on The…

Cold As ICE
The Onion

Cold As ICE

FinnDecember 1, 2025

       The post Cold As ICE appeared first on The Onion.    The post Cold As ICE appeared first on The…

Grandmother Can’t Trust Herself To Keep Raisins In House
The Onion

Grandmother Can’t Trust Herself To Keep Raisins In House

FinnNovember 28, 2025

       WICHITA, KS—Admitting that the tempting dried fruit would ruin her figure, local grandmother Linda Donovan told reporters Friday that…

Grandma Thankfully Dies Before Sister’s Girlfriend Arrives
The Onion

Grandma Thankfully Dies Before Sister’s Girlfriend Arrives

FinnNovember 27, 2025

       KNOXVILLE, TN—In a development her family began referring to as a “stroke of luck,” local 81-year-old Gloria Martin reportedly died…

Astronaut Hates Long Nightly Spacewalk To ISS Outhouse
The Onion

Astronaut Hates Long Nightly Spacewalk To ISS Outhouse

FinnNovember 26, 2025

       LOW EARTH ORBIT—Saying the dreaded nightly ritual had quickly become his least favorite part of his mission, astronaut Dave…

Fraternity Under Investigation After Forcing Pledges To Volunteer At Soup Kitchen
The Onion

Fraternity Under Investigation After Forcing Pledges To Volunteer At Soup Kitchen

FinnNovember 25, 2025

       The post Fraternity Under Investigation After Forcing Pledges To Volunteer At Soup Kitchen appeared first on The Onion.    The…

Study: Average 19th-Century American Spent 93% Of Time Waving At Trains, Boats
The Onion

Study: Average 19th-Century American Spent 93% Of Time Waving At Trains, Boats

FinnNovember 25, 2025

       PROVIDENCE, RI—Shedding new light on the everyday life of citizens during the Industrial Revolution, historians at Brown University concluded…

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