Trump Claims He Will Marry Maduro’s Wife Until Suitable Replacement Found
WASHINGTON—Stressing that he was prepared to remain in the role for as long as necessary, President Donald Trump claimed Monday…
Category: The Onion
Local Church Opens Doors To Any Single Mothers In Need Of Judgment
DANBURY, CT—Emphasizing the local parish’s dedication to serving its most vulnerable community members, St. Mary’s Catholic Church announced Tuesday…
Congress: ‘If You Wanted An Expensive Foreign War, All You Had To Do Was Ask’
The post Congress: ‘If You Wanted An Expensive Foreign War, All You Had To Do Was Ask’ appeared first…
Panicked xAI Technicians Frantically Throw Levers To Find The One Controlling Grok’s Pedophilia
PALO ALTO, CA—Shouting over the sound of the alarm as it blared through the headquarters of Elon Musk’s artificial…
Artist Profile: Cameron Winter
Cameron Winter, the Geese frontman who made his solo debut with the LP Heavy Metal, has been hailed by…
Study Finds 93% Of Murders Solved By Consulting Victim’s Pet Parrot
WASHINGTON—According to a nationwide crime study by the FBI’s National Incident-Based Reporting System, just over 93% of all murder cases solved…
How To Stick To Your New Year’s Resolutions
Each January, millions of Americans vow to improve something about themselves, but many struggle with the commitments they make.…
Trump Appoints Self To Divine Muses
WASHINGTON—Claiming that his longstanding interest in the arts made him a perfect fit for the role, President Donald Trump…
George Clooney, 1,000 Paparazzi Granted French Citizenship
The post George Clooney, 1,000 Paparazzi Granted French Citizenship appeared first on The Onion. The post George Clooney, 1,000…
Bloated Nation Struggling To Work Way Through Leftover Rijstevlaai
WASHINGTON—Wondering aloud about whose idea it was to make so much gebakje in the first place, bloated Americans across…