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Category: The Onion

Sometimes Two People Just Fall Out Of Cahoots
The Onion

Sometimes Two People Just Fall Out Of Cahoots

FinnMarch 10, 2026

       Ending an important relationship is never easy. It’s always going to hurt, whether it was your decision or your…

United Airlines To Kick Off Passengers Who Refuse To Use Headphones
The Onion

United Airlines To Kick Off Passengers Who Refuse To Use Headphones

FinnMarch 9, 2026

       United Airlines announced it will begin removing passengers from flights who refuse to wear headphones when listening to content…

What To Know About The New Requirements For SNAP Benefits
The Onion

What To Know About The New Requirements For SNAP Benefits

FinnMarch 9, 2026

       New work requirements for the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program have gone into effect across the nation, threatening benefits for…

Study Finds Mourning Loved Ones A Huge Waste Of Time
The Onion

Study Finds Mourning Loved Ones A Huge Waste Of Time

FinnMarch 9, 2026

       PHILADELPHIA—Hailing the discovery as a major step forward in the understanding of human psychology, University of Pennsylvania researchers published…

Kristi Noem Fired As DHS Secretary
The Onion

Kristi Noem Fired As DHS Secretary

FinnMarch 6, 2026

       Kristi Noem was fired from her post as Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security and will be replaced…

Trump To Americans: ‘You Won’t Have To Pay Your Son’s Cell Phone Bill When He Dies At War’ 
The Onion

Trump To Americans: ‘You Won’t Have To Pay Your Son’s Cell Phone Bill When He Dies At War’ 

FinnMarch 6, 2026

       WASHINGTON—Striking a note of optimism as the prospects for a protracted conflict with Iran grew likelier, President Trump on…

Stoic Kristi Noem Bears Firing With Stiff Upper Lip, Chin, Cheeks, Forehead
The Onion

Stoic Kristi Noem Bears Firing With Stiff Upper Lip, Chin, Cheeks, Forehead

FinnMarch 6, 2026

       The post Stoic Kristi Noem Bears Firing With Stiff Upper Lip, Chin, Cheeks, Forehead appeared first on The Onion.…

DOJ Employee Charged In Child Pornography Case
The Onion

DOJ Employee Charged In Child Pornography Case

FinnMarch 6, 2026

       Longtime Justice Department employee Timothy Parsons, a legal staffer in the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Washington, D.C., was arrested…

EPA Unveils Plan To Make Water Chunkier
The Onion

EPA Unveils Plan To Make Water Chunkier

FinnMarch 6, 2026

       WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide a “more hearty, spoonable drinking experience,” the Environmental Protection Agency announced Thursday a sweeping…

Trump’s War On Iran: Myth Vs. Fact
The Onion

Trump’s War On Iran: Myth Vs. Fact

FinnMarch 5, 2026

       The White House has defended strikes on Iran, stating that the country’s leaders are “paying for their crimes against…

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