Proactive Man Starts Working On Dracula Impression Early So It Ready For Halloween
Read MoreThe OnionBEVERLY, MA—Launching into preparations months early in an effort to get a head start, proactive local man Mark…
Category: The Onion
Give It Some Juice, Report Sources Fiddling Under Car Hood
Read MoreThe OnionRENO, NV—Switching out the torque wrench for something with a little more “oomph,” local sources fiddling under the…
U.S. Cancels Bird Flu Vaccine
Read MoreThe OnionThe Trump administration canceled a contract awarded to Moderna for the late-stage development of its bird flu vaccine…
Study Finds Weed Use Linked To Early Heart Disease
Read MoreThe OnionA study found that healthy people who regularly smoked marijuana or consumed THC-laced edibles showed signs of early…
Timeline Of Trump’s Battle With Harvard
Read MoreThe OnionPresident Donald Trump has frozen more than $3 billion in grants and contracts as his feud with Harvard…
Interactive Exhibit Lets Kids Figure Out How To Manage Budget Shortfall That Will Otherwise Shutter Museum
Read MoreThe OnionMEMPHIS, TN—In a last-ditch effort to keep the lights on, the Memphis Science Center confirmed it had opened…
Artist Profile: Gracie Abrams
Read MoreThe OnionSinger-songwriter Gracie Abrams is currently touring to promote her album The Secret Of Us. Here is everything you…
‘Advertising Doesn’t Work On Me,’ Says Chosen One Who Will Lead Humanity Out Of Dark Age Of Commercialism
Read MoreThe OnionPORTLAND, OR—Preaching the virtues of breaking free from an oppressive system of mass brainwashing, local man Dan Pearson,…
What To Know About ‘Mission: Impossible—The Final Reckoning’
Read MoreThe OnionMission: Impossible—The Final Reckoning, the eighth installment in the series, is expected to be another box-office smash. The…
New FEMA Alert Notifies Public Whenever ‘Twister’ Airing On TNT
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Predicting that the system would save countless Americans from missing an all-time classic, the Federal Emergency Management Agency…