NASA Rescues Children Stranded For 9 Months At Space Camp
Read MoreThe OnionHUNTSVILLE, AL—Confirming that the group’s long ordeal was finally over, NASA announced Thursday that it had successfully rescued…
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Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Demanding viewers look upon their precious offspring or suffer dire consequences, extremist parenting organization Mamas United reportedly hijacked…
Galapagos Tortoises Become First-Time Parents At 100
Read MoreThe OnionA pair of critically endangered, nearly 100-year-old Galapagos tortoises at the Philadelphia Zoo have become first-time parents, with…
White House Revokes Biden’s Veneers
Read MoreThe OnionThe post White House Revokes Biden’s Veneers appeared first on The Onion. FinnFinn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and…
Mega Millions Raises Price Of Tickets To $5
Read MoreThe OnionMega Millions players will get slightly better odds and should start seeing more billion-dollar jackpots, but at a…
Report: Recession Fears Forcing More Americans To Hold Off On Retiring From Presidency
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Report: Recession Fears Forcing More Americans To Hold Off On Retiring From Presidency appeared first on…
Man Who Bumped Tesla While Parallel Parking Sentenced To Death
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Warning that even the slightest dent, knick, or scratch would henceforth be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the…
Florida Gators Climb Ladder With Scissors To Circumcise Dick Vitale
Read MoreThe OnionSAN ANTONIO—Capping off their rousing victory in the finals with a beloved NCAA basketball tradition, the Florida Gators…
Judge Gives Trump Administration 3 Days To Return Her From El Salvador Prison
Read MoreThe OnionGREENBELT, MD—Decrying the deportation as “wholly lawless,” U.S. District Judge Paula Xinis ruled Monday that the Trump administration…
3-Year-Old Discovers 3,800-Year-Old Amulet While On Family Outing
Read MoreThe OnionA 3-year-old girl found a scarab-shaped Canaanite amulet dating back some 3,800 years while on a hike with…