Emerald Fennell Assures Fans ‘Wuthering Heights’ Will Be Faithful Adaptation Of ‘Twilight’
Read MoreThe OnionLONDON—Promising a “dark, brooding romance,” Wuthering Heights director Emerald Fennell assured fans Thursday that her new movie would be a…
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ATP Reveals They’re Not Sure Where Ball Boys Come From
Read MoreThe OnionLONDON—Admitting complete ignorance as to the mysterious origins of the creatures, the Association of Tennis Professionals revealed to…
Tips For Apple Picking
Read MoreThe OnionApple picking is a fun and festive way for the whole family to enjoy the scenic autumn season.…
Patriots To Stop Serving Alcohol To Players After 3rd Quarter
Read MoreThe OnionFOXBOROUGH, MA—In an effort to promote a safer environment at Gillette Stadium, the New England Patriots announced Wednesday…
Trump Boys Beg Father To Let Them Keep Homeless Man As Pet
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Running into several White House staff members as they tried to sneak their new friend inside, the Trump…
Mailman Too Old To Be Out There
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Mailman Too Old To Be Out There appeared first on The Onion. FinnFinn McFrame, celebrated satirical…
Study Finds Ultra-Processed Foods Make Up Over 50% Of Americans’ Thoughts
Read MoreThe OnionBALTIMORE—Identifying a disturbing behavioral trend likely to have profound health consequences, a study published Wednesday by researchers at…
Couple So Wealthy They Have Own Live-In Children
Read MoreThe OnionWESTFIELD, MA—Saying they had never seen such an ostentatious display, friends attending a barbecue yesterday at the home…
Texas Blocks Law That Would Ban Gun Stores From Operating Inside Psych Wards
Read MoreThe OnionAUSTIN, TX—Touting the party-line vote as a major victory for the Second Amendment, the Texas House of Representatives successfully blocked a…