Woman Reminds Self Not To Catastrophize After Spotting 4 Skeletal Horsemen On Horizon
Read MoreThe OnionLOWELL, MA—Doing her best to follow her therapist’s advice for dealing with stressful situations, area woman Holly Debling…
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FBI Claims Gavel, Black Gowns Prove Ties To MS-13 Gang
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Explaining that such items constituted a veritable uniform for the notorious criminal organization, FBI director Kash Patel claimed…
ICE Agents Wait At Edge Of Delivery Table To Deport Newborn
Read MoreThe OnionThe post ICE Agents Wait At Edge Of Delivery Table To Deport Newborn appeared first on The Onion. …
Trump Threatens To Defund Beauty Schools That Don’t Comply With MAGA Standards
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—After dispatching “Dear Colleague” letters to top cosmetology programs across the country, President Donald Trump threatened Monday to…
‘My Work Doesn’t Define Me,’ Says Man Who Will Spend 90,000 Hours Of Lifetime At Office
Read MoreThe OnionSACRAMENTO, CA—Believing that he was establishing a firm line between who he was as a person and what…
Chipotle Planning First Location In Mexico
Read MoreThe OnionChipotle has announced plans to expand into Mexico, sharing that their first restaurant will open early next year.…
Marco Rubio Announces Overhaul Of ‘Bloated’ State Department
Read MoreThe OnionSecretary of State Marco Rubio has announced plans to make sweeping cuts to the State Department, which he…
Vatican Coroner Confirms Eucharistic Overdose
Read MoreThe OnionVATICAN CITY—In a stunning discovery that revealed the full extent of the pontiff’s addiction, Vatican coroner Fernando Ruini…
Woman On Diet Weighing Out Peanut Butter Like It Hard Drugs
Read MoreThe OnionMARYVILLE, TN—Relying on a precise measurement as though a slight miscalculation could be lethal, local woman Anna Gardner,…
Financial Experts Recommend Diversifying Portfolio With Multiple Harebrained Schemes
Read MoreThe OnionNEW YORK—Claiming it was the only way to protect one’s assets against economic volatility, a group of financial…