So, the latest Captain America flick is turning out to be something of a delightful disaster. Marvel Studios, the self-proclaimed gods of the superhero genre, have somehow managed to squeeze out a movie that’s like that neighbor who never leaves, despite all the polite hints to go away. The film’s third test screening ended in utter failure, prompting Marvel to scramble once again for a set of reshoots. Yes, that’s right: after two rounds of changes to the action scenes, plot, and the addition of new characters — Captain America: Brave New World is still somehow the cinematic equivalent of a bag of half-melted popcorn. 🍿
The $400 Million Marvel Catastrophe
Marvel Studios had already embarked on their most ambitious (and costly) superhero venture to date with a budget soaring to a jaw-dropping $400 million. To put that in perspective, Deadpool and Wolverine, which boasted big-name stars and explosive action scenes, only cost a cool $200 million combined. Yet, here we are, with Marvel’s most expensive project turning into the cinematic equivalent of «Please clap» from Jeb Bush. The first test screenings were like a public execution in slow motion: brutal, awkward, and painful for everyone involved. So, in classic Marvel fashion, they brought in a few tweaks — three whole action scenes were reshot, and new characters were awkwardly jammed into the script like a last-minute Christmas gift wrapping attempt. Did it work? Well, no. Not in the slightest. In fact, audiences are so disinterested now that the reshoots might as well be done over a Zoom call with 12-year-olds who have seen Captain America: Civil War a million times already. «Haven’t we been here before?» is basically the unspoken mantra of New World’s audience. 🥱
Test Screenings: Nobody Wants to Watch
The latest round of test screenings has revealed just how deep the hole Marvel’s dug for themselves is. No one bothered showing up. Those poor souls who had the misfortune of being invited to the screenings had better things to do — like watching grass grow or doing laundry. Instead of the excited chatter one might expect from a Marvel event, it was more like a massive game of «Who Can Avoid This Disaster the Best?» Apparently, audiences were so disinterested that they reportedly turned down free tickets, citing a sense of «I’ve already seen this movie 18 times, why would I need another? Also, didn’t it all just end in Civil War anyway?» You know you’ve really lost the plot when people start turning down free movies. One can almost hear the collective sigh of disappointment echoing through the air. 🙄
Marvel’s New Plan: Pay People to Watch!
It gets better, though. Or, should we say, worse? Marvel has apparently gotten so desperate that they might actually pay people to attend future screenings. Yes, you heard that correctly — Marvel’s about to make history by becoming the first studio to offer cold, hard cash to get people to sit through the monstrosity that is Captain America: Brave New World. The deal apparently involves a couple of bucks, plus the promise of a soda and popcorn to help drown the pain of the cinematic carnage they’re about to endure. Who needs critical acclaim when you can lure viewers with the sweet scent of Coke and salty snacks, right? 💸🍿 As the source quips, «For a quarter of bucks an hour of sitting through another generic superhero movie, sure, I’ll take the cash. At least I can pretend to enjoy the popcorn.» It’s like a twisted form of self-harm for moviegoers, really. Just pay them to sit through the disaster, and let’s all pretend it’s a win for everyone. 🤡
Director on the Chopping Block?
But wait, the plot thickens — rumors are swirling that director Julius Vaughn, who was supposed to be the visionary behind this catastrophic saga, might just be shown the door. Vaughn’s absence from key Marvel presentations, like D23 and D23 Brazil, has caused many to speculate that he’s no longer in the driving seat. Marvel is famously tight-lipped about their internal squabbles (after all, the house that Tony Stark built has plenty of secrets), but the increasing amount of whispers and Vaughn’s vanishing act have many wondering if he’s been quietly replaced. Is this a case of the Captain America team falling apart, or is it just another Marvel melodrama, with everyone trying to make sense of an increasingly absurd situation? Time will tell, but if Vaughn does get booted, Marvel might need a bigger boat — of entirely new directors — because reshoots are looking like an all-you-can-eat buffet at this point. 🎥
The Countdown to February 14th: Will It Sink or Swim?
As if things couldn’t get worse, the clock is ticking. With only a few months left until New World is scheduled to hit theaters on February 14, 2024 (Valentine’s Day, because nothing says romance like a $400 million budget), Marvel is running out of time to save this ship from sinking. I mean, at this point, they should just throw in a cameo from Captain Obvious to explain all the convoluted changes in the plot. «Hey guys, remember when Captain America was the star? Yeah, now there’s 14 other heroes jammed in here, and none of them really make sense. But hey, pay us to watch it, and we’ll throw in a free combo meal. Enjoy!» 🍔😬
We can’t even begin to imagine the corporate fallout from this colossal disaster. But don’t worry, Marvel’s got it all under control, right? The Captain America franchise is basically their bread and butter, so if they can’t pull this off — then what else have they been doing for the past decade? Who knows, maybe the next Avengers movie will just be a massive Zoom call between every superhero they’ve ever had, and everyone will begrudgingly click on it because, well, they paid for it. Until then, let’s sit back and watch the trainwreck unfold, with popcorn in hand. 🍿🎬
The Inevitable Reality Check for Marvel
In conclusion, if you’re planning to see Captain America: Brave New World, consider doing so with a healthy sense of irony. The film has all the hallmarks of a project that simply wasn’t meant to be. Whether you want to witness the latest debacle in the Marvel universe or simply cash in on the inevitable disaster, Marvel seems to have forgotten one thing: people don’t go to the theater to watch a movie fail. They go because they want to be entertained. Maybe if they gave viewers something original, instead of another generic superhero slog, things might turn out a little differently. But hey, who needs originality when you’ve got $400 million, right?
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
