📊 Five-Year International Study Ends in Predictable Disappointment
JACKAL RESEARCH DIVISION REPORT #003
After examining more than 18.4 million Steam accounts, interviewing over 42,000 PC gamers, and forcing three interns to scroll through Steam libraries until they developed permanent wrist injuries, researchers from the Jackal Research Division have reached a conclusion that experts are calling “completely obvious in hindsight.”
Not a single human being has ever finished their Steam library.
The discovery immediately forced scientists to abandon several competing theories, including the long-held belief that “someone, somewhere probably played everything.”
According to the report, that person does not exist.
📈 The Numbers Are Worse Than Anyone Imagined
Researchers expected to find at least a handful of players whose libraries had reached 100% completion.
Instead they found:
• 71% own games they genuinely forgot buying. 🤷
• 43% accidentally purchased games they already owned on another platform.
• 29% believe they’ll “definitely play it next weekend.”
• 14% have installed games solely to admire the title screen before uninstalling them forever.
• One participant owns 4,812 games and continues describing every Steam Sale as “a good opportunity.” 💸
Researchers have placed quotation marks around the word “opportunity.”
🛒 The Steam Sale Effect
The report identifies a dangerous psychological condition officially designated Acute Discount-Induced Purchasing Disorder (ADPD).
Patients become convinced that buying a game at 92% off somehow saves money, despite having no measurable intention of launching it before civilization collapses.
Lead researcher Dr. Emily Carter demonstrated the phenomenon using a single sentence.
“I wasn’t planning to buy anything… but it was only $3.”
The room reportedly fell silent.
Several scientists quietly opened Steam. 😔
💾 A Discovery Hidden in Plain Sight
Perhaps the most disturbing finding involved the mysterious section known as Installed Games.
Contrary to previous theories, researchers discovered that installation does not increase the probability of actually playing the game.
Instead, many users simply enjoy watching download bars complete.
One subject admitted he had installed Red Dead Redemption 2 six separate times over four years without ever reaching Chapter Two.
Researchers described the behavior as “emotionally consistent.”
🕳️ The Backlog Event Horizon
Physicists assisting the project introduced a new concept:
The Backlog Event Horizon.
Once a player’s library exceeds approximately 700 games, no additional purchases can realistically affect the chance of completing it.
Instead, every new purchase merely increases what researchers call The Illusion of Future Productivity.
One volunteer summarized the experience:
“Buying games feels like investing in the person I keep promising I’ll become.”
Psychologists requested a short break.
📂 The Legendary “I’ll Play It Someday” Folder
The study also confirms the existence of a mythical Steam category present on nearly every account.
Examples include:
- Play Soon
- Definitely Next
- Weekend Games
- Must Finish
- Actually This Time
- New
Researchers estimate the average age of games inside these folders at 4.7 years. ⏳
🔬 The Control Group
To verify the findings, researchers attempted to recruit players with fewer than ten Steam games.
The study failed.
Nobody could be located.
🎁 Valve Responds
Valve has not officially commented on the report.
However, shortly after publication, Steam announced another major seasonal sale featuring approximately 17,000 titles, several thousand of which participants admitted they had already intended to purchase “eventually.”
Researchers described the timing as “aggressively unhelpful.” 🤝
🏆 Final Conclusion
The Jackal Research Division now considers the idea of finishing one’s Steam library to be scientifically impossible.
Instead, experts believe the library serves a higher evolutionary purpose: convincing gamers they are one purchase away from finally becoming the kind of person who actually finishes video games.
The study has been peer reviewed by three speedrunners, four achievement hunters, two accountants, and one individual still waiting for Half-Life 3.
None of them disputed the findings.
Mostly because they were busy buying something that was 85% off. 💀
Chief Oracle Interpretation Officer
Dr. Milton Truthwell reportedly earned seven honorary doctorates from institutions later classified as “emotionally real.” As Jackal.Today’s leading authority on ORACLE TRANSMISSIONS, he specializes in decoding HIGH-ENERGY TRUTH SIGNALS and assessing their impact on national morale.
His research suggests that prolonged exposure to CAPS LOCK communications may increase patriotism by up to 700%, although peer review remains difficult due to widespread eagle interference.
Government agencies neither confirm nor deny the existence of Dr. Truthwell.
Dr. Milton Truthwell: Translating greatness into understandable panic.
