SAN BERNARDINO COUNTY, CA—Tugging down his blue jeans as tens of thousands of heliostat mirrors angled the noonday sun in his direction, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was reportedly overheard saying “Time to become immortal” Monday while he exposed his perineum atop the Ivanpah 2 solar tower in the Mojave Desert. “Let’s see the Kennedy Curse try to take down a man with 92 billion lumens of photonic goodness surging into his taint,” the pantsless HHS secretary said as he triumphantly spread his legs from his perch on the tower’s boiler in conditions so hot a passing barn swallow was seen bursting into flames. “What a nice, clear day to ascend to living godhood. All right, sun, fill ’er up! Oh, mama, I can already feel those solar rays stripping years of vaccine damage off my DNA. Definitely stings a little, but pain is just mortality leaving the perineum. Sweet Helios, bless this gooch with your everlasting vitality! Looks like you lose this round, Death—eternity, here I come!” At press time, Kennedy expressed confidence that his newfound immortality would give his body plenty of time to heal the fourth-degree burns to his penis and testicles.
The post ‘Time To Become Immortal,’ Announces RFK Jr., Exposing Perineum Atop Solar Tower appeared first on The Onion.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.