Church Of Scientology Speedrunner Screams After Barging In On Xenu Taking Bath
LOS ANGELES—Howling in terror upon observing the Supreme Ruler of the Galaxy in all of His uncovered glory, TikTok…
Category: The Onion
Study Finds Cell Phone Bans Don’t Help Grades
A large-scale study found no correlation between school cell phone bans and higher test scores, though the findings pointed…
Artist Profile: Noah Kahan
Noah Kahan, the singer-songwriter behind “Stick Season,” has topped the Billboard 200 chart with his new album, The Great…
Trump Shares Recipe For Famous ‘Better Than Pedophilia’ Cake
WASHINGTON—Claiming that his signature dessert had garnered rave reviews from victims and co-conspirators alike, President Donald Trump took to…
GameStop Offers $56 Billion To Buy eBay
GameStop bid $56 billion to purchase eBay, hoping to challenge Amazon and other ecommerce platforms with the bold offer…
ICE Taps BTK Killer To Design New Migrant Detention Center
WASHINGTON—Calling the upcoming collaboration their most “ambitious foray yet into the field of human suffering,” U.S. Immigration and Customs…
Middle Schoolers Prevent Bus Crash After Driver Blacks Out
Students from a Mississippi school banded together to prevent their bus from crashing after their driver blacked out from…
There Grows The Neighborhood
The post There Grows The Neighborhood appeared first on The Onion. The post There Grows The Neighborhood appeared first…
Banksy Claims Credit For Latest ‘The Lockhorns’ Comic
The post Banksy Claims Credit For Latest ‘The Lockhorns’ Comic appeared first on The Onion. The post Banksy Claims…
Met Gala Ends Abruptly After Anna Wintour’s Parents Get Home Early
NEW YORK—In a chaotic scene that sent rising stars, supermodels, and A-list actors scattering, the Met Gala ended abruptly…