Category: The Onion

       CHICAGO—Basing the instructions almost entirely on a mental map of his surroundings that had seemingly not been updated since…

       Harry Potter fans forced the relocation of a multi-hundred million dollar undersea power cable they claimed would disturb the…

       BUFFALO, NY—Audibly groaning before declaring the event “a major letdown” compared to competitions in previous years, local baseball fan…

       ST. LOUIS—Tearfully admitting that the lifelong problem had finally reached a breaking point, local man Darren Moore told reporters…

       ESTES PARK, CO—Noting the bag’s elongated oval shape, prominent Wilson logo, and the fact that its owner was walking…

       Anyone who didn’t know Ben Hopper, 16, would say it was cruel that he died so young. The post…

       WASHINGTON—Assuring the American people he would not let the legal system sway his judgment in any decision he makes,…

       WASHINGTON—Touting her overall cruelty and particular delight at making others feel miserably self-conscious, the White House on Monday tapped…

       NEW YORK—Slamming both hands on the circulation desk after learning he was 17th in line for Larry McMurtry’s Pulitzer…

       As she weighs a 2028 presidential run, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) announced that she is freezing her eggs, not…