Enhanced Games Allows Competing Athletes To Use Steroids
The inaugural Enhanced Games, consisting of weightlifting, swimming, and sprinting, were held, which allowed competitors to take performance-enhancing drugs…
Category: The Onion
Woman Worried She In Codependent Relationship With Rest Of Humanity
BOONE, NC—Noting that the troubling signs of a toxic dynamic had become too numerous to ignore, area woman Kara…
Elon Musk Hits Up Text Thread To See If Any Of His 13 Kids Has Ketamine
STARBASE, TX—Firing off dozens of messages in less than a minute at 2:30 a.m., Elon Musk reportedly hit up…
Trump Decries Lack Of Space To Host Parties Inside MRI Machine
BETHESDA, MD—Complaining during his annual physical Tuesday that the narrow tubelike structure offered next to no room for socializing,…
‘The Mandalorian And Grogu’ Slammed By Fans As Third-Best ‘Star Wars’ Film
The post ‘The Mandalorian And Grogu’ Slammed By Fans As Third-Best ‘Star Wars’ Film appeared first on The Onion.…
Grandma Demoted To Sippy Cup
The post Grandma Demoted To Sippy Cup appeared first on The Onion. The post Grandma Demoted To Sippy Cup…
Nation’s Simple-Minded Bumpkins Announce They Don’t Mean No Harm To Nobody
PEACH CREEK, KY—Taking an opportunity to firmly reiterate their stance that it weren’t their intention, America’s simple-minded bumpkins issued…
Democrats Release 2024 Election Autopsy
After months of mounting pressure, the Democratic National Committee released a draft of its 2024 election autopsy report, which…
Ob-Gyn Warns Alex Cooper To Avoid Public Feuds In First Trimester
LOS ANGELES—Reminding the mother-to-be that everything she did now could have consequences for her unborn child, local obstetrician-gynecologist Dr.…
Chase Reminds Customers To Only Share Banking Information With People Who Seem Nice
NEW YORK—Warning that curt greetings and aggressive demands could be a sign someone was a scammer, JPMorgan Chase officials…