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Category: The Onion

Kim Jong Un Can’t Believe Daughter Already Executing Boys
The Onion

Kim Jong Un Can’t Believe Daughter Already Executing Boys

FinnMarch 4, 2026

       PYONGYANG—Tears welling in his eyes as he remarked upon how quickly things change, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong…

Pentagon Cuts Ties With Anthropic Over AI Safeguards
The Onion

Pentagon Cuts Ties With Anthropic Over AI Safeguards

FinnMarch 4, 2026

       President Trump blacklisted AI company Anthropic after it rebuffed the Pentagon’s demands to lift all safeguards on the military’s…

ICE Agent Injured After Repeatedly Trying To Detain People In Neighborhood Mural
The Onion

ICE Agent Injured After Repeatedly Trying To Detain People In Neighborhood Mural

FinnMarch 4, 2026

       MINNEAPOLIS—Bleeding profusely as he radioed for backup against the uncooperative crowd, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Ken Fischer was…

Ayatollah Killed In U.S. Airstrike
The Onion

Ayatollah Killed In U.S. Airstrike

FinnMarch 3, 2026

       Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the theocratic dictator who ruled Iran for over 36 years, was killed in a massive U.S.…

Joe Mazzulla Reiterates Jayson Tatum Will Not Return Until He Passes The ‘Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian’
The Onion

Joe Mazzulla Reiterates Jayson Tatum Will Not Return Until He Passes The ‘Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian’

FinnMarch 3, 2026

       BOSTON—Amid continued speculation about when the injured Celtics star might return to action, head coach Joe Mazzulla told reporters…

I Am The God Of Your Children. I Am The Final Parent.
The Onion

I Am The God Of Your Children. I Am The Final Parent.

FinnMarch 3, 2026

       Hi, friends! Today, I’d like to talk to the grown-ups. I know it’s not easy raising children. Looking after…

Price Of Teeth Rises
The Onion

Price Of Teeth Rises

FinnMarch 2, 2026

       According to Delta Dental’s new Original Tooth Fairy Poll, the average amount of money left under a pillow for…

Trump Creates Makeshift Situation Room In Mar-A-Lago Sauna
The Onion

Trump Creates Makeshift Situation Room In Mar-A-Lago Sauna

FinnMarch 2, 2026

       The post Trump Creates Makeshift Situation Room In Mar-A-Lago Sauna appeared first on The Onion.    The post Trump Creates…

Data Centers By The Numbers
The Onion

Data Centers By The Numbers

FinnMarch 2, 2026

       The surge in AI, cryptocurrency, and other digital assets is rapidly increasing demand for computational infrastructure around the country.…

NYPD Arrests Man For Hitting Officers With Snowball
The Onion

NYPD Arrests Man For Hitting Officers With Snowball

FinnMarch 2, 2026

       The NYPD arrested a 27-year-old man they accused of striking two police officers with snow and ice during a…

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