Pete Hegseth Invokes ‘Fog Of War’ After Pissing In Break Room Refrigerator
ARLINGTON, VA—Describing the incident as a split-second operational judgment made under rapidly evolving conditions, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth invoked…
Category: The Onion
‘Marty Supreme’ Director Explains Film Slight Dramatization Of Real-Life LeBron James
NEW YORK—Confirming his new film fell somewhere between fact and fiction, director Josh Safdie explained to reporters Friday that…
Kristi Noem Places Pushpin In Bespoke Map Of Every Place She’s Deported Someone To
The post Kristi Noem Places Pushpin In Bespoke Map Of Every Place She’s Deported Someone To appeared first on…
Study Finds Processed Meats Carcinogenic But They Were On Sale
INDIANAPOLIS—Suggesting there were some deals even cancer researchers couldn’t say no to, a new study published Thursday by the…
WHO: ‘Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels’
The post WHO: ‘Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels’ appeared first on The Onion. The post WHO: ‘Nothing…
Trump Appears To Doze During Stroke
The post Trump Appears To Doze During Stroke appeared first on The Onion. The post Trump Appears To Doze…
Single Woman Tired Of Looking For Mr. Bean
SPOKANE, WA—Lamenting that she still hadn’t found the bug-eyed man-child of her dreams, area bachelorette Louise Perkins confirmed Tuesday…
Judge Resigns After Wearing Elvis Wig In Court
A judge in Missouri resigned after wearing an Elvis Presley wig in court, coming after a disciplinary commission determined…
Trump Announces 5,000% Increase In All Numbers
WASHINGTON—Touting his latest executive order as a historic win for the U.S. economy, President Donald Trump announced Friday that…
Pete Hegseth Wakes Up At 3 P.M. With Dozen Missed Calls From The Hague
The post Pete Hegseth Wakes Up At 3 P.M. With Dozen Missed Calls From The Hague appeared first on…