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Category: The Onion

Happiness Downplayed For Single Friend
The Onion

Happiness Downplayed For Single Friend

FinnNovember 18, 2025

       COLUMBUS, OH—Casually minimizing the amount of fulfillment and joy he now finds in his everyday life, area man Tyler…

New Rules Would Deny Visas To Those With Chronic Health Conditions
The Onion

New Rules Would Deny Visas To Those With Chronic Health Conditions

FinnNovember 17, 2025

       The U.S. government issued new guidance that would deny visas to applicants with certain chronic health conditions such as…

Megyn Kelly Anxiously Waits For Everyone Else To Start Condoning Pedophilia Too
The Onion

Megyn Kelly Anxiously Waits For Everyone Else To Start Condoning Pedophilia Too

FinnNovember 17, 2025

       NEW YORK—Faced with backlash against comments she made last week downplaying the sex trafficking crimes of Jeffrey Epstein, an…

Tips For Canning Food At Home
The Onion

Tips For Canning Food At Home

FinnNovember 17, 2025

       While prices at the grocery store continue to rise, more Americans are turning to shelf-stable preservation methods to save…

Detroit Lions Rookie Asks For Thanksgiving Off
The Onion

Detroit Lions Rookie Asks For Thanksgiving Off

FinnNovember 17, 2025

       DETROIT—Double-checking that he had approval before finalizing travel plans, Detroit Lions rookie Tate Ratledge reportedly approached head coach Dan…

Record Number Of Women Want To Leave U.S.
The Onion

Record Number Of Women Want To Leave U.S.

FinnNovember 17, 2025

       A record 40% of American women aged 15–44 say they would like to move abroad permanently, more than twice…

Trump Imposes 100% Tax On Movies Where Slaves Escape
The Onion

Trump Imposes 100% Tax On Movies Where Slaves Escape

FinnNovember 17, 2025

       WASHINGTON—In an effort to bring an end to what he described as an anti-American trend in filmmaking, President Donald…

DNA Sequencing Reveals Hitler Was Type Of Fern
The Onion

DNA Sequencing Reveals Hitler Was Type Of Fern

FinnNovember 14, 2025

       BATH, ENGLAND—Saying the discovery shed new light on the infamous German dictator’s life, University of Bath researchers revealed DNA…

‘Lucifer Bee’ With Devil-Like Horns Discovered In Australia
The Onion

‘Lucifer Bee’ With Devil-Like Horns Discovered In Australia

FinnNovember 14, 2025

       Australian researchers identified a new species of native bee with tiny horn-like projections on the female’s face, prompting comparisons…

Ghislaine Maxwell Conceals Escape Tunnel Behind Pinup Poster Of Shirley Temple
The Onion

Ghislaine Maxwell Conceals Escape Tunnel Behind Pinup Poster Of Shirley Temple

FinnNovember 14, 2025

       The post Ghislaine Maxwell Conceals Escape Tunnel Behind Pinup Poster Of Shirley Temple appeared first on The Onion.    The…

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Latest posts

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  • Maverick Games Steals All the Forza Devs and Now They’re Making a Game That’s Totally Not Just Forza But With a Different Name and Probably the Same Bugs
  • Game of Thrones: Because You Clearly Didn’t Get Enough of People Screaming at Each Other in the Original Series, Now There’s a Mobile Game Called Dragonfire

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