Shelter Dog Just Doesn’t Have That X Factor
Read MoreThe OnionLOS ANGELES—Declaring that some animals simply “got the goods” and “you know it when you see it,” officials…
Category: The Onion
Parents Feuding With At Least One Aunt At All Times
Read MoreThe OnionCHICOPEE, MA—Saying that she couldn’t recall a time of familial peace since the early ’90s, area woman Melissa…
How To Join ICE
Read MoreThe OnionAs Immigration and Customs Enforcement seeks to increase its presence across the country, the agency is actively recruiting…
Andy Reid Urges Chris Jones To Soak In Hot Tub Filled With Chopped Vegetables
Read MoreThe OnionKANSAS CITY, MO—Insisting it would help the six-time Pro Bowler recover from the aches and pains of the…
Young Republicans Under Fire Over Racist, Homophobic Group Chat
Read MoreThe OnionYoung Republican leaders sparked bipartisan condemnation over a leaked cache of thousands of racist, antisemitic, and homophobic texts,…
Researchers Identify Gene Responsible For Visualizing Murder After Touching Missing Person’s Sweater
Read MoreThe OnionSTANFORD, CA—Shedding new light on the rare trait’s origins, researchers at the Stanford School of Medicine announced Friday…
Biologists Announce There Absolutely Nothing We Can Learn From Clams
Read MoreThe OnionWOODS HOLE, MA—Saying they saw no conceivable reason to bother with the bivalve mollusks, biologists at the Woods…
Study Finds Voices Should Sound Normal Through Walkie-Talkies By Now
Read MoreThe OnionITHACA, NY—Citing numerous advancements in communication technology over the years, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Cornell…
Political Profile: Russell Vought
Read MoreThe OnionRussell Vought, director of the Office of Management and Budget and a key architect of the ultra-conservative Project…
Impressionable Teen Falls In With Wrong Socioeconomic Class
Read MoreThe OnionLARCHMONT, NY—Noting the 16-year-old had too big of an inheritance ahead of him to throw it all away,…