RFK Jr. Claims Measles Can Be Cured With A Good Concealer
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—In the wake of a growing outbreak that has sickened hundreds and killed two in West Texas and…
Category: The Onion
Tennessee Man Shot By Dog
Read MoreThe OnionA Memphis man was recently grazed by a bullet in his home after his 1-year-old pit bull, Oreo,…
Report: More Americans Moving Away From Urban Areas For Rural Life Where They Have Escalating Feud With Beaver
Read MoreThe OnionCAMBRIDGE, MA—Suggesting the reversal of a longstanding historical trend towards urbanization, a report published Tuesday by researchers at…
CEO’s Son Explains Why He Refuses To Let Father Help Him Sexually Harass Subordinates
Read MoreThe OnionThe post CEO’s Son Explains Why He Refuses To Let Father Help Him Sexually Harass Subordinates appeared first…
Trump Announces New Visa Tier For Immigrants Who Will Be Friends With Barron
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Extending an offer to immigrants hoping to relocate to the United States, President Donald Trump unveiled a new…
Feds Uncover Terabytes Of Free Speech During Raid Of Protestor’s Residence
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Following a daring operation that saw authorities seize the man’s property and detain him in an undisclosed location,…
Egg Companies Assure Customers Dozen Has Always Meant 9
Read MoreThe OnionJACKSON, MS—Seeking to assuage consumer concerns about dwindling supplies, the nation’s egg companies reportedly assured shoppers this week that…
Tesla Dealerships Attacked With Molotov Cocktails
Read MoreThe OnionTesla car dealerships across the U.S. have been attacked with guns and Molotov cocktails in recent days over…
Only Good-Looking Person In Office Mingles With Hideous Coworkers Like Missionary Among Lepers
Read MoreThe OnionCHICAGO—Showing a graciousness and magnanimity that the rest of the world has denied these pariahs and rejects, Jordan…
Local Teen Invents Masturbation
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Local Teen Invents Masturbation appeared first on The Onion. FinnFinn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed…