Amazon Teases Next James Bond Will Face Off Against Threat Of Collective Bargaining
Read MoreThe OnionLOS ANGELES—Teasing several juicy details on the heels of their recent $1 billion purchase of the franchise, Amazon…
Category: The Onion
ICE Releases Gavin Newsom Beheading Video
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Disseminating grainy footage of the California Democrat meeting his disturbing and bloody end, Immigration and Customs Enforcement released…
Trump Issues Executive Order Reversing All Vasectomies
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Telling reporters that the move would do much to combat low U.S. fertility rates, President Donald Trump issued…
IRS Allows Taxpayers To Deposit Payments Directly Into Elon Musk’s Bank Account
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—As part of ongoing efforts to improve the efficiency with which it collects money for the world’s richest…
Cow Slaughtered For Its Bell
Read MoreThe OnionMEADE, KS—Saying the difficult act was necessary so his family wouldn’t be starved for clangs, local farmer Troy…
The Needled and the Damaged Son
Read MoreThe OnionThe post The Needled and the Damaged Son appeared first on The Onion. FinnFinn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind…
Child Given First Stock To Learn About Losing Everything Early
Read MoreThe OnionHUNTINGTON, NY—Eagerly explaining to the 9-year-old that the investment was already down 11% since purchase, Marcus Aldaco reportedly…
Proactive Man Starts Working On Dracula Impression Early So It Ready For Halloween
Read MoreThe OnionBEVERLY, MA—Launching into preparations months early in an effort to get a head start, proactive local man Mark…
Give It Some Juice, Report Sources Fiddling Under Car Hood
Read MoreThe OnionRENO, NV—Switching out the torque wrench for something with a little more “oomph,” local sources fiddling under the…
U.S. Cancels Bird Flu Vaccine
Read MoreThe OnionThe Trump administration canceled a contract awarded to Moderna for the late-stage development of its bird flu vaccine…