Oh, sweet baby Belzebub! ASUS ROG, bless their corporate souls, have decided that the best way to celebrate 30 years of slightly-above-average graphics cards is to slap a DOOM logo on an RTX 5080 and charge you an arm, a leg, and your firstborn child. Prepare your wallets, peasants, for the limited-edition ROG Astral GeForce RTX 5080 DOOM Edition, because apparently, Hell needs better frame rates. 🔥😈
So, the masterminds at ASUS ROG, in their infinite wisdom, have joined forces with Bethesda and id Software. Why? Because nothing screams “cutting-edge gaming technology” like a franchise that peaked in the mid-90s. It’s like pairing fine wine with a microwaved hot pocket – questionable, but hey, who are we to judge? This unholy alliance is to celebrate ASUS ROG’s 30th anniversary, a milestone marked by… well, mostly overpriced components and RGB lighting that could blind a small village. And DOOM, because apparently, they couldn’t get Mario. 🤷♂️
Behold, the RTX 5080 DOOM Edition! It’s not just any graphics card; it’s a GPU designed to “storm the gates of Hell.” Translation: it’s got a fresh coat of paint. Specifically, the “distinctive armour pattern of the DOOM Slayer.” So, instead of rendering realistic fire effects, it now looks like it was dragged through a medieval LARP convention. The Slayer’s mark is emblazoned on the card, because subtlety is for losers. And on the back? Oh, just the DOOM Slayer casually slicing through demons with the Shield Saw, because why not? It’s like they raided a Hot Topic and glued everything to a GPU. 🤣
But wait, there’s more! For the low, low price of $1,999.99, you don’t just get a GPU that looks like it was designed by a committee of 12-year-olds. You also get a bundle of swag so exclusive, it’ll make you question your life choices. A T-shirt with a “black foil Slayer mark” – because nothing says “I’m a serious gamer” like wearing a shirt that looks like it was printed in someone’s garage. A mouse mat, because your current one is clearly not epic enough. A “yellow key card,” which I assume unlocks the secret level where you realize you’ve wasted your money. An in-game skin, because virtual drip is all that matters. And, if you’re feeling particularly masochistic, the Premium Edition of *DOOM: The Dark Ages*, so you can experience the game that this GPU was specifically designed to overprice. 🤑
And let’s not forget the words of wisdom from Kent Chien, Corporate Vice-President of ASUS, who declared that they are “thrilled to continue our 30th anniversary celebrations by collaborating with the developers of *DOOM*.” Thrilled? I bet he’s thrilled all the way to the bank. It’s a match made in marketing heaven, or perhaps the fiery depths of consumerism hell. Either way, it’s a win for their shareholders. 🥳
The best part? The article tries to justify the price by saying that the ROG Astral GeForce RTX 5080 “typically retails for over $1,500.” As if that makes a $500 markup for a paint job and some cheap merchandise reasonable. It’s like saying, “Hey, this burger costs $50, but regular burgers cost $40, so it’s a steal!” No, it’s still a $50 burger. You’re being robbed in broad daylight, and they’re using the DOOM Slayer as a distraction. 🤡
So, there you have it. The ASUS ROG and *DOOM: The Dark Ages* collaboration: a testament to the power of branding, the gullibility of gamers, and the enduring legacy of a franchise that should probably be left in the past. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go play DOOM on my potato PC and save myself two grand. Maybe buy a pizza. 🍕
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
